Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 2

Just a little follow up to Volume 1...

  1. I don't think I'm using Tinder correctly. I'm told that it has other uses beyond screenshotting hilarious profile pics to send to your friends, but I haven't found that to be true.  
  2. You would think that dating a single mom would be more appealing.  Let's face it, we are too busy to be a pain in the ass and we always have snacks in our purse.  
  3. Sometimes as I am falling asleep in my bed I think, "Do I really wanna fuck this up? I have it pretty good right now." And then I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep while watching the Golden Girls.  (I would totally be the Dorothy.)
  4. When people say "Why are you still single? So many guys would love to date you" the proper response is "No, so many guys are trying to sleep with me...there's a huge difference." 
  5. Single Moms in a relationships don't ask for much...movie dates, some tacos and the occasional orgasm...in that order...  
  6. I went on one date where a guy made snarky and judgmental statements about my shoes... I almost had to cut a bitch. Instead I left him with the check, snuck out and Ubered home. 
  7. My Match.com "matches" looks more like a sex offender registry...I'm not really sure what that says about me. 
  8. When it comes to dating, I think I have more feeling for tacos than most of the people who have actually asked me out of the past 4 years.  I'm sticking with tacos. They very rarely disappoint.  
  9. When they say no hookups, then send you a wiener pic was soon as you match...?
  10. When a man approaches me at a bar to introduce himself I automatically think, "knowing my luck, this guy has been here since noon because he has no job." I'm literally the poster girl for cynicism.  
  11. Why do all online dating profiles contain a fish picture, a picture showing nipple, a dirty bathroom mirror pic and a gym mirror selfie? 
  12. Nothing is more startling than seeing the profiles of people you know on a dating site...but you know you read that shit and take a few screenshots just for giggles.  
  13. When a woman starts talking to someone on a dating site she turns into a better investigator anyone on Law and Order. She can find his Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and SnapChat before he can can reply with a clever gif. 
  14. Am I the only one who finds it suspect that so many men over 40 have never been married or had kids? 
  15.  I never know what to say when someone asks, "What are you looking for?" right off the bat...the realist in me wants to answer, "ummm...someone to clean out the gutters and take out the trash" but for some reason I don't think thats what they are asking. 
  16. When you get a DM that says "What's Up?" is really fun to answer "My Body Mass Index" and see what happens.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Mother's Day Edition

 

1. My own mother raised two kids in the 80's without preschool, nannies, iPads, or the like and still managed to look put together, go to jazzercise and run the house like a well oiled machine.  I, myself, haven't shaved my legs in three weeks, barely brush my hair, and I'm pretty sure the dishes in the dishwasher have been there waiting to be unloaded for longer than I would like to publicly admit... and lets not even talk about the laundry. 

2. If you feel the need to purchase a gift for Mother's Day please make it useful. I suggest noise canceling headphones or booze. 

3. Breakfast in bed is great in theory, but as a single mother I would just like to be able to eat some damn breakfast while sitting down at an actual table instead of standing over the kitchen sink and consuming whatever is left over from kiddos breakfast like some sort of scavenging wild animal.   

4. Who knew at any point in your life that you would prefer a gift made at preschool out of macaroni or popsicle sticks over diamonds and roses? Or that these little loosely constructed  trash heaps would bring you to tears? 

5. On Mother's Day I am reminded that I don't know shit and that my own mother is a literal walking goddess that amazes me at her ability to get my own child to eat, wear or do just about anything.  Respect. 

6. There should be a universal understanding that Moms shouldn't have to wear bras on Mother's Day.  Shouldn't our boobs get a day off, too?

7. Why don't we have Mother's Weekend? Can we make that a thing? One Sunday out of the whole year doesn't make any sense.  We still have to pack the school lunch, get the homework done, make sure the school clothes are clean and battle with the kids to get into bed at the right time for school on Monday morning? Seems like some conspiracy theory type shit to me.  

8. Nothing is more gratifying than being with one's well-behaved, considerate, vegetable-eating, nice-clothes-wearing, helpful, non-whining and mess-free children...but since we live in reality, maybe a few hours alone on a beach with a drink and a book would be a better way to spend the day.  

9. This should be the one day of the year the you don't have to repeat the words "brush your teeth" or "I asked you to put your shoes on" or "please don't do that" four million times.  Can someone else handle that shit for the day? 

10. Target should have private events for all moms on Mother's Day with free Starbucks macchiatos and babysitting so that we can walk around looking at clothes, makeup and kitchen gadgets for hours without being ordered to buy a new toy or having a tiny human have a public mental break down because they can't have the Pop-Tarts they "need." 

11. Moms want peace and quiet on Mother's Day.  The kind of eerie peace and quiet that would otherwise make one think the zombie apocalypse happened while she was napping on the couch.  

12. Father's Day is directly gaged off of the dopeness of Mother's Day.  Just remember that.    

13. I find myself texting all the dudes in my life to remind them all about Mother's Day and every response is "When is that again?"

14. It's a scientific fact that all food is calorie-free, carb-free, and fat-free on Mother's Day.  

15. If you're going to feed the mother you better clean up the mess too, and do a little dance with a smile on your face while you're at it.  Make it entertaining.  

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mommas.  I don't care if you birthed a baby, adopted one, are helping to raise one, or just love your own Mom.  This day is about the respect and recognition of all the hard work and commitment we put in to improving the lives of our children.  Keep kicking ass!

 

 

Truth Bomb: An Open Letter to My Own Heart

To My Dearest Heart, 

It's been far too long since we have communicated.  Please allow me this opportunity to say all of the things I have been wanting to say in an effort to repair our relationship and move forward.  First, let me apologize.  I have damaged you beyond repair.  When I was young, I gave you freely to anyone who made you skip a beat.  While, at the time I thought that was a good thing, I now realize that you needed to be handled with care.  I gave you to those who would abuse you, hurt you, kick you around like a hacky-sack, and then hand you back to me all battered and bruised, only to do it all over again with the next one.  When you had finally had enough, I walled you off.  I froze you in carbonite and hung you on the wall and didn't let anyone in.  The only room you had was for my son and you filled yourself with that love and care and thought that was the only thing you ever needed.  It was a good thought, in theory.  We both know that's not reality, but we tried, right? You became hardened and tough, sarcastic and jaded about love and life and how you deserved to be treated.  Huge pieces of you were missing and I let you fill those voids with darkness and carbs.  I let you be incomplete, for fear that you wouldn't be able to handle any more.  But I was wrong. I'm older now, and I realize that you can handle warmth and love, care and you can be whole again.  And when I felt that readiness, I did it to you again.  I let you be free and wild and uninhibited.  I unfroze you from the carbonite and you were blinded.  You stumbled. You made reactionary, survivalist, and animalistic choices to not only reach out to another heart and hold it close but to feel yourself come back to life.  To pump and to sing and to bask in happiness.  My mistake was handing you off without boundaries.  Like a teenager on spring break all drunk with emotions and sloppily letting you swallow whatever emotional concoction that came your way.  Just like that, you were back in the same dark space, all bitter and angry. It's not your fault.  I should have been better with you.  More patient and kind, more forgiving of your innate need to love and to be loved, and more conscious of your fragility.   

Now, I know you need your time to recover.  And I know you need your space and healing, but I don't want you to retreat into the depths of loneliness and solitude, yet again.  You will learn to function, you will learn to be whole, however that manifests itself. This time I promise I will protect you, but let you make some decisions...with supervision.  I will allow you to my co-pilot and have some input on our reactions to life, but you can't drive this train solo anymore.  You're needed elsewhere.  My son needs you to be unburdened and open to receiving all the love he is putting out to you.  My friends need you to be available to share with them and not shut down. My family needs you to be present and aware.  The right one, whoever that is and wherever they are, need you to be ready and willing to put aside the past and move forward.  

So it is with great appreciation and gratitude to you, my heart, that I say today that you are my priority. I will make you, instead of them, the one I care for first and foremost.  I will be proud of your scars, and that fact that you healed.  I will be mindful of your empty spaces and remember that they don't have to be filled right away, or with any old thing that comes along.  I will remember that the ones that handle you with care and concern deserve for you to be open and loving, not hateful and reactionary.  Those are learned responses to the damage that I have done, everyone else you can forgive.  I will continue to repent and apologize to you until you can see past the stupidity of my carelessness.  You will be OK. Ill keep telling you that everyday until you feel it.  I'm not looking for anything more than OK, because thats too tall of an order for you...and I get that.  You're beautiful, important, give so much to others with no agenda or ulterior motives, and you never ask for anything in return.  

I can't wait for the moment that you feel whole again, feel loved and cared for, feel free to soar and sing again, but until then just know...I've got your back.  

Sincerely,

The rest of me

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Star Wars Celebration Edition

You know you're a part of the best Nerd Herd in the galaxy if you went to Celebration of felt any of these things:

1. You know you've been single for a while if Bobba Fett starts looking like boyfriend material. 

2. That sense of pride you have when your kid is cosplaying Darth Vader and force choking Lando Calrissian.

3. When perfecting "Leia Buns" has never been a more important part of your 'getting ready' routine. 

4. A dudes best pick up line at SWCO 2017 was "Hey girl, what did you think of the trailer?" 

5. When you make eye contact with a 501st and wonder if he's single... despite your penchant for the light side.  

6.  You're biggest decision for the day is which witty Star Wars shirt to wear. 

7. Waiting in line for hours is never something you've had the patience for...unless it's to meet Mark Hamill.  Then you'll wait in line for 12 hours surrounded by people who haven't showered in days because they're part of the "camp out crowd."  

8. You are a total nerd if you've pushed people out of the way to get your pic with a dude dressed as a Wookie. (guilty)

9. After a weekend of Celebration you're planning a whole sleeve of Star Wars themed tattoos despite the fact that you're mother will disown you...it's worth it. 

10. You are now the proud owner of every limited pin, patch, and badge available at the Con and give zero F's you paid that much for anything in your whole life.  

11. You judged every sexy Slave Leia at the con for not being more inventive, but you're also secretly jealous you didn't work on your bikini body sooner.  

12. You've contemplated buying a $400 toy still in the box because...collector's item, duh! 

13. You're kid had to poop in the public bathroom and it took 20 minutes just to remove his full costume (we've discussed this...but my Little Rebel can't poop without being naked and cosplaying just complicated things...)

14. You're jealous of every kid who got to do Jedi Academy...

15. When Jar Jar Binks photobombs you're C3-PO pictures and you're totally cool with that...it's literally the only time you actually didn't want to punch him anyways.  

16. You see other parents with their kids at the Con and nod, like you're all raising the next generation of literally badasses that will carry on the love of the Galaxy Far Far Away...

17. When you've Googled how hard it is to build a remote control R2-D2...

18. You totally spent 4 hours in line for the Celebration store and came away with 6 new friends and one t-shirt that is kinda too small. 

19. You overheard the pregnant lady arguing with her husband about the fact that they "won't be naming this baby Jango."

20. You're sure you're depression won't go away until Disney opens their Star Wars theme park or they announce the next Celebration dates...until then you'll be obsessing over fan sites until Christmas 2018.  

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Awkward People-ing Edition

1. Since having a child I find is more and more difficult to have a conversation that doesn't involve at least one Disney movie quote, my birth story, school lunches, or poop. All subjects the general public frowns upon during an adult social setting, apparently.    

2. Talking to some of the other parents at school can sometimes feel like I swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter and it gets stuck in the place in your throat that makes you feel like you're having a massive heart attack...you know what I'm talking about.  You know its going to end, but for the mean time it SUCKS and feels like impending death. 

3. Socializing without your kid around can go one of two ways: single vodka or double.  Just depends on how much communication with the outside world you've been getting lately.  

4. My face will turn 6 shades of red before any conversation is completed.  Fact. 

5. When you forget to put your sunglasses down to make all the crazy eye rolls and facial expressions... and you get caught.  (smacks forehead) 

6. When you yell "Seatbelts!" in your Uber or when a non-child-having friend is driving, you know your social skills have erroded to a practically unrecognizable level of uselessness.  

7. Someone once told me not to wear all black so that people would be more open to approaching me...now everything I own is black.  

8. After a night of people-ing I get an interaction hangover that is only cured by isolation, Netflix, and online shopping.  

9. If I and showing up to a social event it's in the "I put a bra on for this" category. Thats pretty important so recognize.   

10. I think its probably the nicest thing that you can do for me is if we run into each other at Target, just pretend you don't see me.  It's my happy place.  Let's not ruin it by interacting.  

11. Socially awkward people aren't snobs, we're just silently trying NOT to say the approximately one million weird comments rushing through our head while you're talking about whatever it is that you're talking about.  

12.  When introverts do end up talking during a social moment you look at us like we Kanye'd all over your Taylor Swift moment... 

13. I am awful at playdates. One exchange went as follows:

Other Mom: Your son is so cute

Me: Thank you, I don't know where he gets it...Probably from the milk man.  

SILENCE...

14. If you didn't fit in during your middle school/ high school years, had weird hair, dressed like Ducky, didn't sit at the cool table, had 3 friends and they were way nerdier than you and you were cool with that or any variation of unpopularity at any point... you can sit by me me and we can stare at our phones in silence and feel good about that.  

15. My son got stage fright at a school performance once and I had to sit on stage with him and I was all like: 

Truth Bomb: When you want to "Live, Laugh, Love" But...

Live.  Laugh. Love.  Seems simple, right? Well, I'm sure for some people it is.  It sounds lovely.  Its a goal to aspire to, for sure.  But if you live with anxiety, its damn near impossible.  I just thought I would share some of my struggles with letting go and trying to live a "normal" life dealing with anxiety.  

Most people don't really know what it is, so heres how I see it.  Basically, anxiety is the desire to do something but with overwhelming feelings of uneasiness and worry.  Doesn't seem that bad, right? Everyone has moments of anxiety.  But some of us just battle this dragon daily. Trying new things? Nope. Going someplace where you don't know anyone? Nope. Talking to new people? AHHH!!! People with anxiety play over and over in their heads what they have said, how they said it, and if they said it in. way that made no sense at all. We hear what you said and we worry maybe you don't like us, we worry we may come off like we don't like you.  We're human, so of course we don't communicate perfectly all of the time and it kills us. We will stress out that we have said all the wrong things. So see what I mean? Trying to be happy is a legit daily struggle.  Anxiety pushes people away.  It isolates you.  It causes you to look like a complete asshole, but you're really just afraid to open up and be vulnerable in any and all situations.  It's not that we don't want real human interaction, but people with anxiety are afraid of what happens next. What happens if we catch feelings? Now what? What happens if we don't know whats going to happen? Seems crazy.  And it is. It feels like crazy. Its awful, but I think people need to understand the DESIRE to want to be different and easy going and not nervous is there.  We just need a little help calming our brains down a bit to loosen up and live a little.  

I don't know about most people, but I know where mine comes from.  Emotional Trauma.  I'd say finding out my husband was cheating on me for half of our three year marriage was the beginning of the anxious feelings.  Then, just to pile on to that, a chaotic relationship coupled with pregnancy and my partners struggle with his own depression and self medication during the scariest time of our lives probably didn't help ease my anxiety at all.  After I had my son I just knew I had that overwhelming sense of fear of the unknown.  Well, anyone with kids knows nothing is easy, everything is chaos and everything is terrifying for the first time.  Just to add to all of those "Mommy Anxiety" I had a horrible break-up, and the feelings of utter relationship failure and fear of being alone and a single-mother basically just broke me.  I felt like a shell of a person.  On the outside everything was smiles and sunshine, but on the inside it feels a lot like drowning but with no one holding you under.  Think, being stuck in a rip tide in the ocean. You're just swimming along and all of a sudden your bathing suit is being shoved up your ass and a boob is out and you're sucking in water by the gallon and you only have yourself to blame for all of it because you know you shouldn't have swam out so far with all of the red flags waving in the wind.  

The living part is hard, but doable.  I've worked on getting to know myself but it's still not enough.  The trauma is still there.  The anxiety still takes hold of me some days and steers the crazy train.  Not everyday, not every decision, but some and it sucks.  I'm not the best at making new "mom friends", taking my son to places with new people or crowds it tough, but I do it for him. He shouldn't live a sheltered life because I'm afraid of what is going to happen or might happen or probably won't happen but its just there I'm my head nagging me that it might happen.   And honestly once I do try something new it feels good and empowering and I make the effort to do it again and again and each time it gets easier. Its not that people with anxiety can't live happy, healthy, productive lives.  We just struggle with an inner dialogue that we are pretty sure no one else can relate to.  We can be happy.  We can chill the F*&% out and enjoy life.  But its difficult, thats all we need you to understand.  

The laughing part is easy, but it also masks the anxiety.  Its tricky like that.  I can laugh about it.  I can laugh about myself and I can always just make everything a joke.  Its one of my coping mechanisms.  If I make a joke of it, and laugh about it or how ridiculous I am being, it seems to ease other people and makes me break down some of my own walls and break that guarded cycle of always trying to protect myself from people getting too close.  Letting people in is ok if we are laughing. Under the jokes just know a part of me is screaming "just go back home to your couch and the Golden Girls marathon!!"  But if I'm there and we're cry-laughing about something totally hilarious that means I'm invested. I'm not fighting the urges to isolate and I'm enjoying the moments with you.  That's huge for me.  Know that.  

The loving part is the hardest.  It seems impossible, but I want it so badly. Not just any kind of love but the kind of love that challenges me to be better, do better and to not run away to the couch and the Golden Girls.  It's easy to love my son. But, real talk, I am a total "smother mother" but that's a whole different Blog Post.  Love for him comes from somewhere thats is untouched by any other person.  It comes from an unconditional connection to someone who I made and who makes me want more out of life.  It's the other love that scary and terrifying and constantly feel uneasy and unsure of myself and if I am capable of being complete again.  You see, after all that has happened to me a piece of me heart went missing and anxiety filled it.  Replacing that with the unconditional love of another feels like uncharted territory.  I've never had that before.  There's always been conditions, stipulations, requirements for me to be something.  The perfect wife or the rescuer, the caretaker or the one who holds it all together.  Really loving someone isn't placing conditions on them.  It's just the opposite.  It's loving who they are, good, bad, or ugly...and with me there feels like a lot more bad and ugly than good sometimes.  That's what pushes people away.  Anxiety can make all of the good emotions mix with all of the nervousness and when someone special takes your heart in their hands it feels like someone has put a lid on a bottle and shaken it up.  Those emotions are all over the place. The  thing that was holding you together all of this time, CONTROL, is suddenly out the window and your left just out there and exposed.  Don't get me wrong, thats a good thing.  Thats what life is about.  Finding that is what we all want. It just seems harder for me.  I'm trying.  All I can do is try.  Try to be open, to share those feelings or fear, try to remember that not everyone wants to hurt me, and try to put those feelings of worry and dormant hurt into the baggage and leave them at the door and walk through the threshold of a new life with new feelings of love that can replace the negative. As much as you may think that you've done that, that you've conquered that ...its not until you're really faced with reality that you can say "ok, let's do this." Its not that I'm not ready for love, a relationship or deep feelings for someone. I am.  I know I can do it and I know the person who lets me is the right one for me.  It's going to hurt, and be messy and be hard sometimes but if I don't let that happen then the anxiety wins...and I'm not a loser.  I don't like to let something like that beat me.  I won't let it.  I just have to trust and the right one will trust that I'm trusting them with it all.  

If we breakdown in front of you, thats because we finally feel like its all coming to a head and instead of sweeping those feelings under the rug we are letting them out.  We probably will communicate poorly during this because emotions aren't easily verbalized at this point.  Its just a all vomiting out and we're powerless to it all because we have stopped holding on with such a tight grip.  Its not a bad thing.  Its actually good. We won't do this for just anyone, we just don't show our cards like that.  It's ok.  Just be patient, when we can get let it out it just means we're closer and closer to leaving it all behind and giving you the whole person we want to be.   It's something we can't help feeling.  It's a part of us, and as much as I don't want it, its there and we're trying my best to deal with it all.  

It's so hard to put into words the way anxiety and emotional trauma can affect someone.  I hope this paints a picture of what it's like.  Not just for me but for the people who love me and are in my life.  They need to know it's not them.

I am swimming away from the rip tide, I've pulled my swim suit from my ass, and I am keeping my head above water... and to all of those people who love me as I am, you are my life preserver.

MLR Fave Rave: Spring has Sprung

Spring Break is upon us.  Many of you are escaping the cold (yuck) and heading to warmer weather.  Many of you are balancing work and having the kiddos home for an entire week.  Some may have camps to go to, others may be enjoying a little staycation.  Either way it goes, Spring has sprung and here's a little list of some of my favorite survival gear for the season.  

1. Coola Sunscreens This stuff works! It smells great and it doesn't leave you or your kids covered in chalky-white residue at the beach or at the pools and theme parks.  The sprays are legit, too.  No messy hands when reapplying! 

2.  Adidas T-Shirt Dress You NEED to own this dress.  You can wear it a million different ways, and to pretty mush anything.  I recently bought this dress to have as another alternative to shorts and a t-shirt.  It looks great on, isn't clingy or tight, pairs with leggings for chilly days or over a bathing suit for the beach.  

3. Coconut Face Mask If you get a little too much sun on those cheeks, try this mask.  Its soothing and calming and will help heal stressed skin in 20 minutes.  

4. Going to an actual "nice" dinner with the kids? If yours are like mine, they hate to wear fancy clothes.  Especially boys.  Try this Moana dress shirt. It looks so adorable on, washes well, and doesn't require a 45 minute fight to get the kid dressed.  

5. Bug Repellent Slap Bracelets are genius! No DEET, repels mosquitos, and a toy all in one.  My son wears his when we are playing in the backyard.  

6. Kid's Peace Garden is an awesome way to get the kids hands dirty, learn about how plants grow, and its super cute when it grows! 

7. Need a great way to make those little ones tired? I highly suggest this Little Tikes 7' Trampoline !!!!  I will be honest and just tell you this thing is my saving grace on beautiful spring days when I am up to my elbows in multi-tasking.  He bounces for hours and gets really tired doing it.  

8. Need a new backpack to haul the family's crap around for them? Yeah, I hear you.  I am totally in love with this Le Sportsac Voyager Backpack. Its washable, has all these awesome pockets, is light weight and looks cute with anything.  If your wardrobe is anything like mine (all black everything) it's the perfect addition.  

9. Every Mom should have a good denim jacket.  Warm days and cool nights are what spring is all about.  A denim jacket can layer over a sundress or yoga gear, and make you seem like you've actually put some effort into dressing yourself when we all know you don't have that much time on your hands.  

10. Well, if you're going to throw on that cute jacket, why not add some pins? We love these Meme Pinz. I am currently rocking the boombox.  

 

Enjoy the change in season, Rebel Leaders and Domestic Warrior Princesses.  You deserve a little sunshine and a few smiles in your life.  

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Bathroom Edition

1. How is it possible we spend 75% of parenting most concerned with who is pooping, peeing, where they are pooping or peeing or cleaning said poop and pee...yet, Moms can literally forget to do either for what seems like days?

2. I didn't think it was possible, but I have witnessed my son pee ON an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper, without ever removing it from the holder, just to amuse himself.  

3. Theres nothing better for ones confidence than stepping out of the shower and having a tiny person say "I hope I never look like that naked." 

4. Kids give ZERO F*#%S about privacy until its an adult who is requesting said privacy...even in public bathrooms.  

5. Bathroom stalls are for quick pee breaks.  Family bathrooms are for your four and a half year old who insists on taking off all of his clothes and his shoes to take a poop.  

6. Asking a child to "not make a mess" while they are in the bath tub is like asking a pyromaniac to hold your lighter fluid and zippo.  

7. Never squeeze the bath toy thats been unused for a bit, in fact burn it, because if whatever is inside gets out you may need hazmat.  

8. I found out that I could still do the splits the other day...not that I wanted to but I slipped in the tub and now I'm not sure anything about my body will ever be the same again.  

9. I've been thinking about toilet training my terrier.  She seems like she would catch on faster than the kid did, and she probably wouldn't ask me to wipe her ass in the middle of my first cup of coffee.  

10. When you finally have some time alone at home and you go to relax in the tub but you need to first remove 45 tiny animals, a Chewbacca, maybe 1 or 2 naked Barbies, wash the from the tub crayons and glittery bath bomb the kiddos used a few days ago...aaaannnndd now this is just cleaning and not relaxing so you give up.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Fournado rears it's ugly head.

1. My son turned 4 and he is moodier than our current President on a Twitter rant.   

2. Getting him dressed in anything but his favorite red shorts is much like watching a scene out of The Exorcist.  At one point it's quiet and we're smiling.  I simply state "its time to get dressed."  He starts flipping the F*&% out.  I'm just staring at him waiting for pea soup to come spewing out of his face and his head to start rotating.  

3. His behavior has become slightly...hmmm...how shall I put this without sounding like the worlds worst mother...Defiant. We will call him defiant for lack of a less offensive word.  We will ask him not to do something (I,e. jump on the couch, chase the dog with a lightsaber, etc.) and he will, straight up, lock eyes with us and do said thing repeatedly and with no remorse until he is reprimanded.  Then looks at us with a scowl and says "I don't like you anymore." As soon as he turns his back I find it very difficult not to flip him off.  

4. What the hell is up with my child asking me a question, I answer the questions, then he promptly tells me I am wrong, answers his own question, then walks away?  It's only after exchanges like that when I truly start to question my own sanity.  

5. Is it just MY kid that HAS to be naked to poop? What is that about?

6.  How can someone be so fearless and also need a nightlight?

7. There isn't any conversation that doesn't involve the mention of a fart or a poop. 

8. If I had to relate Fournado someone without kids I would say it is similar to the impulse control of Lindsay Lohan crossed with Scott Stapp on meth with a side of KellyAnn Conway's logic.  

9. At this point no one is a stranger...its makes the introvert in me FREAK THE F OUT! Mainly because when he talks to people then I HAVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.  I do not like talking to strangers.  Hell, I don't even like talking to non-strangers.  

10.  I will say this about FOURNADO...  It is the most inquisitive and thirsty for knowledge that my son has ever been. Example: Today he asked me to explain how a sound studio is turned into a set to make a movie look real...all before 7 AM and my first cup of coffee.  

Birthday Truth Bomb: 37 to Zero and My Decision to Stop Living My Life By The Numbers

Today is my birthday.  I'm Turing 37.  It's not a monumental birthday for most people, but it is for me.   Today I am owning up to something I have been thinking about for a LONG time and deciding not to live my life by the numbers anymore.  So, I am 37. What the hell does that even mean? Am I supposed to feel old? Am I supposed to feel fulfilled and contented to be 'middle aged?' I don't feel that way at all.  In fact I feel like my age is reversing! It's taken me 37 years to self actualize on some serious shit and today I feel like sharing it with all of you.  

I am happier than I was when I was 27.  That was the year I got married.  A horrible decision to try to hold on to an idea of what I thought a twenty-something was 'supposed to do.' Take it from me.  Don't let age dictate your actions.  Trust your gut. One divorce later and I can say I am much more appreciative of myself and who I am.  Now, that I really think about it 17 wasn't even that "happy."  Who is happy in high school? It's awful. I was awkward, and nerdy, and didn't fit in anywhere.  I was so ready to leave my small town to get away from all of the things I thought were holding me back and weighing me down that I just rushed through those teenage years.  I so desperately just wanted to be an adult. Now that I am an 'actual adult' things haven't really changed...mentally still feel 17! Dance in my underwear to TLC and think back on days when I was thinner, less wrinkled, unsure, unaware of my own power and I thank the universe I have had so many years to discover that all of that wonderful inside of me has always been there.  Always.  

I am single...as in "table for one please" and "one-ticket-to-the-latest-horrible- rom-com-'cause-I-don't-have-anyone-to-worry-about-complaining-through-the-whole-movie" single.  Sounds nice, right? Yeah.  It's ok for a while, but its been 4 years and I am still alone and I am starting to think I may be stuck like this, but I have to keep reminding myself that it took 10 years in miserable relationships to get to the point where I began to put myself first.  No rush.  Putting my own needs at the top of the priority list is what's most important these days.  

So here I am, looking in the mirror and this is what I see: 

I am 37, a size 16, run 5 miles 4 days a week, gave birth to 1 kid 4 years ago after 22 hours of labor. Now I am a single mom with some extra weight on her frame but can bench 115 pounds.  I have spent 20 years hiding in a 1 piece bathing suit and eating 1200 calories a day, less than 20 grams of carbs a day, to try to fit into a image that just isn't attainable because as much as I try I can barely get that number on the scale below 190.  I'm over it.  I am ready to be free of the numbers.  I feel young, I feel healthy, I feel motivated, and I feel grateful. Some places on my body may jiggle when I walk or dance and I may have a wrinkle or two when I smile, but I am finally smiling. I may eat a carb or have an actual meal and not feel guilty. I may have fewer friends but the ones I have are quality individuals who have helped carry me through 17 years of strife and struggle. And I may be flying solo on date nights, but I am worthy.  Worthy of happiness, of love, of kindness, of compliments, and of feeling as beautiful inside and out than anyone else.   For the first time in my life I can put on a 2 piece bathing suit, lift my hands to the sky and say "This is me! I am 37 and giving ZERO Fucks!"

10 Things About Children's "Entertainment" That are Ruining My Life...

 

1. Is it me or is the Hotdog Dance song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse causing a Pavlovian response to want to choke the life out of Goofy? 

2. Thanks to Elmo for saying once (like 2 years ago) that broccoli is gross and now my kid refuses to even try it because "Elmo said its yucky." Frankly, I don't care if Elmo gets some kind of colo-rectal issue, but I'm over here trying to teach my kid how to eat to live in a world full of diseases from genetically modified food and the damn puppet is veggie-blocking me.  

3. I'm not sure Little Einsteins is creating a culture of classical music officiandos as much as its just angering parents and care givers who must now explain that one cannot simply start a vehicle by clapping.  If you have ever argued with your kids on these types of things you know that a root canal is preferable. 

4. "Dog With A Blog" is a show where an actual dog has more blog followers than I do. 

5. I have a hard "No Calliou" rule.  It's legit whinier than our current administration.  

6. Why in the world do children's movies allow the words "stupid" and "dumb"?! I have had to do damage control since Monsters, Inc.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Disney movies, but hearing the word 'stupid' coming out of your 2 year olds mouth is a bit disconcerting, to say the least.  Honestly, I would rather he drop an F Bomb. 

7. Have you seen these YouTube Kids reality shows? There are several.  All they do is show videos of their everyday life, only in the MOST annoying way possible.  Now my kid thinks sending a cute video to his grandparents should include the words "don't forget to subscribe and 'Like' this video at the link below..." 

8. While I'm on a YouTube Kids rant...just the background music in the app hypnotizes my kid into some sort of stopper and he can't seem to pay attention anyone or anything else.  Case in point: he walked into a wall the other day and bounced right up like something out of the Walking Dead.   

9. What in the actual F*&% is going on with that SpongeBob Squarepants and his gang of weirdo cohorts? I mean, really.  WTF?? 

10. I am totally annoyed that in most children's films the male characters is either a prince who is completely void of any depth and complexity, or a cad, a thief or a complete asshole.  Why? Let's not even begin to discuss the gender roles and age issues of these movies but I mean, come on.  Don't little boys deserve some sort of relatable protagonist that starts out a good person and makes good decisions and doesn't need a to be jerk to get the moral of the story conveyed to the audience? Just a thought.  

 

What annoys you about whatever shows or movies your Little Rebels are geeking out over these days?

MLR Fave Rave: February is Sunny Vacays, Love and Birthdays!

Hey Rebel Leaders and Domestic Warrior Princesses! I haven't done a Fave Rave since August because, well...I keep forgetting! Oops! Honestly, I have so many new products that I am totally obsessed with that I am feeling the need to share, but also just want to include some tips and tricks of how I get through some of the stuff we have planned for the next few weeks of crazy.  February is my birthday month, annual family vacation to Key Largo, FL (a 6 hour road trip) and Valentine's Day...all of those either being really exciting or super depressing. I'm not sure which, yet. Here's an idea of what I am gathering up for all of this years festivities.  

First of all, I am a huge fan of the "at home spa day." So as my 37th birthday (yes, I said my actual age) approaches I wanted to share some of the new products I have been tinkering with on the rare occasion that I get to indulge in some beautification between loads of laundry and packing lunches.  I love all things Bliss for the best in DIY spa days with high quality products.  Recently I have had all the feels for the Mask-A 'Peel' Radiance Rubberizing Mask! Just mix with water, slather on, let dry and peel. And before I get ready for vacation I like to use a Hot Salt Scrub and Self Tanner because literally no one wants to see my pasty legs without a little sun-kissed glow. When it comes to my hair, I have a serious crush on the Olaplex at home treatment.  It's easy to use, you can get about 4 treatments per bottle (depending on the length of your hair) and it's legit a miracle for color treated tresses like mine. Can we say godsend?!

We all know I am single AF, but that doesn't mean I don't do a little Valentine's Day splurging.  This year I am making a little gift basket for my son with some fun little surprises, like awesome bath bombs, a sweet new shirt to wear to school and my little man's FAVORITE candy.  Don't judge, but may I report back after the most humiliating holiday of the year that I sent myself flowers...and carbs.  Let's face it, I will probably eat a whole pizza that day. That being said, I'm also really into taking ownership and loving my own body this year.  I am getting up there in years and have always battled with weigh issues. I have always worn a one piece bathing suit...but this year, NO WAY! I am learning to LOVE my body for Valentine's Day and letting it shine on our sunny vacay.  This year I will be lounging poolside in a bikini and reading my new favorite book by Ashley Graham.  

 Also, it takes me a good month to plan for a 6 hour road trip down to the Keys, or anywhere for that matter, so this year I am preparing a few weeks in advance by getting the car super organized and making sure we pack light and save plenty of room for all of the ridiculously amazing road-side crap you can find in Southern Florida.  One of the things I am pretty adamant about it not eating junk food along the way..  It's just not a good idea.  Sour bellies and sugar cranked kiddos don't make for an easy coast down state.  I try to pack healthy snacks, and meals for the backseat where B and passengers can grab something easily.  When we make a pit stop I am fully prepared for the horror of public restrooms.  Trust me and always have these items in your car at ALL times: Trash bag, Gallon ZipLoc Bag, Paper Towels, Toilet Paper.  You never know when these will be needed and you DON'T want to be stuck roadside with no way to clean and contain messes or mishaps.  This has happened to me and they only thing I can say is that if it weren't for my make-shift hazmat kit, I would have been totally screwed.  

So, wish me luck.  Another year closer to 40, another adventure, and another single Hallmark holiday to come and go.  This year its about ME! Time to love myself, own my life and be grateful for every wrinkle, dimple, disaster and triumph.  

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 1

Ugh.  So, as we all know, I am very single.  Well, I decided that 2017 is the year I try to be less single.  I'm not really interested in jumping into anything super serious, but maybe it would be good for me to try and give this dating thing a try.  We're one month in to this journey and its basically a disaster. 

  1. How do people actually meet each other now? No, seriously...HOW??? I have heard bizarre stories like, "we met at Whole Foods" or "we met at the gym." These are the two legit LEAST likely places for me to ever meet anyone! Pretty sure I'm so distracted by reading labels to make sure my four year old ingests the least amount of GMOs that I wouldn't notice a good looking man in the grocery store.  And the gym? Really? Thats where I go to forget about men and focus on myself! 
  2.  What ever happened to friends setting friends up on blind dates? Oh, yeah...that's right, I forgot that all of my friends have either been married for ions or are way more single and desperate than I am, so they have no decent dating pool options.  
  3.  Meeting someone in a bar? Not an option.  It hasn't worked in the past, why would I think it would work now? 
  4. Dating websites/apps, you say? Ok.  Well I have tried this route and it's a nightmare.  Why are they all holding fish or some other animal they have killed? Do women dig that? I have no clue.  
  5. Why can't anyone take a decent selfie? It's 2017! Its basically the only form of portraiture at this point.  Do they ever clean the bathroom mirror, I mean, do that before you take a bathroom selfie...please.  And what is it with just the pic of your nipple? Thats just SO strange.  
  6. Statistically speaking there must be a pretty large part of the population that is divorced (me) and a parent (also me) so why is every man in my 25 mile radius "never-been-married-no-kids-cats-only" guy? I really am hoping to date people that have had some life experience.  How am I supposed to relate to someone who has no responsibility outside of work and a cat litter box? 
  7. Have you ever seen couples and think to yourself, "Those two weirdos found each other...so why am I still single?"
  8.  Why do single men with no children think that I'm looking for a father for my kid? I'm NOT! Thats utterly ridiculous.  My son has a great father, and we're friends.  The assumption I need a man for the "positive male role model" is presumptuous and insulting, at best.  
  9. I have come to realize after 4 years of being single (by choice, thank you very much) that I am independent to a fault.  Its kind of my biggest flaw.  I should work on that.  
  10. Can't I just date John Cusack? Is he available? 
  11. I would be the perfect girlfriend.  I'm busy, so I wouldn't be needy.  I'm also not likely to waste someone's time.  Being a Mom has taught me to just be honest.  No BS.  No games. No assumptions.  I mean, can't we just see a movie once in awhile? Maybe some dinner and a glass of wine? I'm looking for someone to make fun of these dating apps with.  
  12. When someone messages you and say "hey beautiful, what are you looking for?" it makes me want to respond with "someone to clean out the car and fold the laundry..." 
  13.  Why do all men assume that "fit/active" means skinny? I gave birth to a human, run, go to the gym to lift, and eat a very healthy diet...I AM NOT SKINNY...nor do I really want to be.  
  14. Raising a son means I have seen my share of penis by 8 am, so why would a man think I would want a "dick pic" sent to me while I am cruising Target for some new flannel pajamas?! UMMM, NO.  
  15. When I think about going on an actual date I think about having to wear spanks and do my hair and I start to realize being single might not be that bad after all...

A little site maintenance and some exciting new additions...

Hi Friends! We are doing a little upgrading/dressing up and general fancifying of our humble little blog and working on some seriously fun new projects that will hopefully be available for all of you in the near future.  We truly appreciate all of your continued support and look forward to growing and changing the game in the new year. We are making 2017 the year of the #momboss! 

 

All Love, 

W and B