Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: 20 Times You Became Brutally Aware That Some Self-Care is Needed ASAP!

1. When you realize that if you ever decided to go for a jog (stop laughing, it may happen) that your leg hairs may cause a friction fire.  

2. When you realize that your last actual pedicure was when that "Jenny From The Block" song was popular AF. 

3. When you realize that your last bath was a 15 minute soak to remove the filth of the day and that you used bubble gum bubble bath and had to try not to accidentally goose yourself with a naked Barbie. 

4. When you realize that the last time you went to Yoga you were A. flexible and B. didn't pee a little bit when you attempt Dolphin Pose. 

5. When you realize you've had a gummy bear stuck in your messy bun (BTW, Mom's invented this look with NO credit from Pinterest.) 

6. When you realize your eyebrows are either reminiscent of tow caterpillars mating on your face or you've just gone full Whoopie Goldberg and just don't care to draw them bitches on anymore.  Either way...it's just bad news.  

7. When you realize that your daily meditation is "Please don't punch that bitch who cut me off in the pick-line..." 

8. When you realize Pinterest is your only real mental break in the day...but it's 3AM and you're still pinning projects you'll never do.  

9. When you realize your wardrobe went from "Hey, look at me. I'm the hot party girl." to "Hey, Please ignore me and if you do speak to me don't expect me to be happy about it."

10. When you realize the last date you went on was with yourself and even you disappointed you on the date.  

11. When you realize you once had some bras what made you say "Oh damn, I feel sexy" and now all of your bras just make you say "Please just don't let a tit fall out when I bend over to pick up the groceries." 

12. When you realize that you're well past the point of no return...leggings are just now the only "pants" you own.  

13. When you realize you've been driving around ALONE and singing the Moana soundtrack as loud as you possibly can.  Remember when you had good taste in music? Nope, not any more.  

14.  When you realize that the days of lingerie, thongs, and sexy thigh highs have been replaced by big, beige, control-top type situations that cover you from Boob to Kankle. 

15. When you realize that your last girls night out ended in an epic conversation with your Uber driver about that time your kids had explosive diarrhea.  

16. When you realize the last time you had a good cry was at the end of the movie Coco.

17. When you realize you the last meal you made just for yourself was a bowl of cereal and a vodka tonic.  

18. When you realize the last book you read was What to Expect When You're Expecting...and it was a book of LIES, so now you have trust issues.   

19. When you realize the last time you saw a therapist was on the show Intervention. 

20. When you realize the last selfish thing that you've done is get a Pap-Smear. 

 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Spooky and All Together Ooky...A Halloween Edition

1. Halloween has become about discussing Halloween and everything Halloween related all day everyday for 3 months, only to have your kid see an early Christmas display at Target and now he gives ZERO F*&%s about any of your costume or decorating efforts.  

2. Who else thinks that Halloween should only be celebrated on the weekends? This mid-week BS is the stuff of parenting nightmares.  

3. If you want any kind of adult "school-classroom-appropriate" costume you should break out the old sewing machine and throw something together on your own...unless you think "sexy corn" or "sexy shoehorn" or "sexy random kitchen utensil" is welcome at the preschool Fall Festival, because that's all that is for sale at the Halloween stores.  

4. Speaking of Halloween stores, we took my soon-to-be-five-year-old son to one to pick out a costume.  He freaked out, had a mini-panic attack, and wouldn't let go of his Dad.  We literally bought the first two decent costumes we saw and had to book it out of there before we did any kind of major psychological damage.  (I need to stop watching Mindhunter on Netflix...) 

5. We happen to live in the Sunshine State, so trick or treating or anything fall related is more about managing an overheating kiddo, my boob sweat and making sure everyone is chafe-free and doesn't end up with heat rashes and dehydration.  

6. We have 5 costumes because he will either make a last minute final decision or just throw together some homage to Cybil and be 5 personalities at once, which sounds more fun than the typical Ghost or Paw Patrol character to me.  

7. Halloween candy...every mom's winter-weight nightmare.  I say give it to Dad.  I hear 'Dad-bod" is actually a "thing" now.  

8. Pumpkin flavored everything is gross.  Fact.  Stop it.  

9. Question: How the F am I supposed to get my kid to school after a solid 24 hours of him operating on adrenaline, sugar, and the sheer willpower to keep up with the bigger kids on the trick or treating route? I feel like he will be going to school with a Halloween Hangover...and we know how awesome those can be if you've ever tried to go to work the day after drinking way too much dressed as "sexy corn."  

10.  The most annoying thing about Halloween? Trying to figure out if I need to dress and act a little LESS like Morticia Addams for this one day a year.  

11. Candy corn is made of what, exactly?

12. How many kids will be dressed as a Poop Emoji and do we find this cute or just weird? I mean...the kid decided to dress as feces.  

13. You know what's really fun? Cleaning up the gelatinous remains of what once resembled a carved pumpkin.  Ew.  

14. I lost count on how many times I've threatened to "cancel Halloween" due to bad behavior.  

15. How to traumatize a person with anxiety: dress your child in a costume that blends with all the other kids costume, let him lose on the streets, around strangers and with plastic weapons...and do all of this in the dark.  

16. Is it me or is there always at least one asshole kid in the group? 

17. Is it me or is there always one drunk AF parent in the group? 

18. You can always tell the houses that ate all of the "good candy" by the look of guilt on their faces and the hurried manner in which they threw in some loose Certs and cough drop into your kid's bucket. 

19. The trick or treat route is only as long as the length of time it takes the lead parent empty their giant Yeti cup of adult beverage.  

20. Is Tired AF a costume? 'Cause I got that look on lock. 

Truth Bomb: Modern Framily and How we Make It Work

"You all get along?" -Everyone all the time

"You go on vacations together? And how does that work?"- Everyone on social media

Trust me when I tell you that I have heard my fair share of comments and seen plenty of awkward facial expressions when I describe the close relationship I have with my son's father and step-mom.  Let me just preface this all by saying, we get it.  It's weird.  Most relationships that end don't end well.  If you have a child together that just adds some fuel to the fire.  Here's a fun little twist...lets add another adult into the mix.  It's only natural to be a bit put off by all of the gross niceness that my family displays, but honestly its other people's preconceived notations that make it weird.  We live in a society where we just expect one another to be assholes and bicker and fight to the tenth degree over every little thing. We satirize it, we make movies and sitcoms about it, but that isn't REALITY.  

As a child of divorce, I can honestly tell you that it takes a lot of calculated choices to raise kids in a co-parenting situation. My parents fought over everything.  Money, birthdays, holidays, weekends, relationships....EVERYTHING. Every momentous moment in my life held tremendous amount of anxiety and stress for me because I was afraid of how my parents would react to being in the same room with one another.  Hollywood movie magic makes that shit look funny, but when you're 11 and your parents get into a screaming argument at camp in front of everyone it can make you seriously question any and all parties sanity. It also makes you question whether or not actually HAVING moments in life where family would come together is worth it.  I think it led me to be the kind of person that never really wanted to be in the spotlight and never have attention drawn to me. Inevitably they would all the in the same room to see me and it would end in some sort of verbal altercation of epic proportions.  

In our framily, we have chosen the path less followed.  It doesn't come easy.  We ARE exes for a reason, people!  Duh.  BUT, we also have a lot invested in each other's happiness, health and wellbeing...OUR child.  Oh, yeah.  That's right.  Theres a kid involved. I think sometimes adults fail to remember that it isn't about US its about the CHILDREN.  Sometimes when I try to communicate with people about raising my son in a blended family they can't seem to realize that the end goal is to raise a well-adjusted person who feels a close connection with all of the people who love him in this world.  As his mother, I would like to provide him with the best opportunity to be a good, kind and decent MAN.  That is why he has a close bond with his father.  That is why I have embraced his step-mother as another advocate and confidant that provide a shoulder to cry on and a perspective in life to learn from.  I mean, how many times have you sat around and thought..."gee, too many people love me." NEVER.  So why wouldn't I want my son to feel endless and boundless joy and love from people who actually care how he functions in the world?  Seems like a simple answer to me, we all want our children to feel loved.  

Beyond all of the obvious, there's another component to this whole situation that I feel like people have a hard time seeing.  We call ourselves the Modern FRAMILY.  That's to say that we are not only family but we are also FRIENDS.  We genuinely care for, respect and LIKE one another.  Has this always been the case? Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, no.  We have been through it.  My son's father and I have been to the darkest of places and back together. To be honest, there has been pain and resentment.  There has been anger and frustration, fear and fury.  It took a lot of time and communication and CHANGE to get back into the light.  We both had to make CHOICES to change and we both had to resolve to put the past where it belongs and move forward for our child.  I am not saying it's easy.  I am not saying it's possible for everyone to accomplish even a tenth of the progress we have made.  I'm not saying that how we function as a family works for everyone, in every situation, but it can be a goal.  Often I catch myself imagining what it would be like to live in all of that drama, chaos and bitterness that my parents lived in and I think about how awful that would be.  Granted, their situation was different than ours.  Every story has two sides and the truth, after all.  Doesn't mean I want to repeat that life for myself or my son.  It means I learn from what the past presented me and grow forward.  We all need to play the hand of cards we are dealt.  Even if you're holding a shitty hand, put your game face on and just think about the moves you need to make to allow your child to come out ahead.  If you're willing to double down on happiness than my suggestion is to find a way to make the relationships in your life work.   

Real talk: As single parents, both us feel pretty good about the amount of free time we get, or our abilities to live balanced lives without complete burnout.  We get nights to go out, time to go to concerts, time to pursue goals and dream and careers and all without feeling alone.  We support each other and in that support, foster an environment where we can all spend time together and TRULY enjoy it.  Fun Fact: My son's Step-Mom and I often make time to go to dinner with my son or have a girls night out just the two of us. Theres a few reasons we make the choice to do this: One, we actually like each other, so thats cool.  It's nice to feel like we have our own friendship and connection outside of my ex. Two, it allows for my son to see a united front between all of us and shows him that I trust her, and therefore, so should he.  That's important because I want him to feel like she is there to disclose his emotions so that she, too, can be there to work through the hard times and the happy times when his Dad and I can't physically be there.  Like I said, you can't have too much love.  And three, my life is a lot easier knowing that I have someone to advocate to my ex for ME sometimes too.  Although we are very close, he is also him and I am also me.  She knows us both and knows how to talk to her partner in ways I just don't or can't  or sometime just won't, because we aren't a sitcom or a movie...we are real people with real emotions and real reactions to life sometimes and we all have our supreme dickhead moments...even me (or should I say, especially me? I don't know...don't answer that one.) 

I only have a few tips on how we made it happen and maybe they can help you, too:

1. Get over yourself.  YOUR issues are yours. You have to work those out.  Go to therapy  Talk it out. Find the root causes of your struggles and make the CHOICE to make your life better.  It frees up your heart to be more open to a fuller family dynamic.  

2. Talk to each other.  Don't text.  Sit down and talk to the co-parent and step parent.  Set boundaries.  Set expectations.  Allow them to express their anxieties.  Actually HEAR them and allow them to HEAR you.  Words are important but so is actually seeing someones facial expressions and body language.  You can often pick up more than you realize.  We do a monthly "parents only dinner." A lot gets discussed.  A lot of plans get formulated and a lot of resolutions are made during these dinners. We also laugh a lot and trade ridiculous stories of parenting, so that's a bonus.  

3. Make this core group of you and your child or children the top priority.  These are your people.  Holidays, birthdays, special occasions...these are the people that will be there with you and these are the people you should make the sole focus of these moments.  If you guys are cool, everyone else will follow suit.  

Yes, we do school events together.  Yes, we take the time to go to dinner alone and just as parents to catch up on what is going on with our son.  Yes, we try to go on little vacations and outings together.  Yes, sometimes it's just me and the step-momma. And YES, we all get along.  No, we aren't weird.  No, we aren't perfect.  Its hard work to parent.  It's hard work to co-parent.  But it's an easy decision to choose to create a family (or FRAMILY) for the betterment of our child. 

This Single Mom's Bucket List

1. Let's just get the sleep portion of this bucket list out of the way: I would kill for a 48 hour opportunity to soak up uninterrupted REM cycles, preferably in a hotel where I can order room service, wear a fluffy robe and make a mess that I don't have to clean up. 

2. Go on a date and NOT have to wear Spanx.  Seriously, it's just impossible to actively listen to anyone speak when you're realizing your control top panties are slowly rolling down, creating a that-much-more unflattering silhouette and also trying to find the most opportune time to yank those suckers back up to where they belong without looking like a completely unladylike slob of a human being.  

3. Show up at a school event and NOT feel like the black sheep. 

4. Go on a vacation without my son and NOT feel guilty about it.  

5. Create a massively successful business that allows me to spend the majority of my time working braless/pantless.  We are all more productive when we don't have to worry about those formalities, right? 

6. Hit the gym more often and with less insecurities.  I see these people in the gym looking all carefree and unencumbered by years of "fat kid" trauma.  When I go to the gym I am constantly aware of how red my face is, how jiggly some of my parts are and how I'm constantly trying not to cuss like a sailor.  I'd like to just go in there and go full-beast mode and give zero fucks.  

7. Trust more freely and with ease.  This is a big one, and maybe it's an unattainable goal, but I would love to be able to just be the kind of person who makes friends or meets people and isn't constantly questioning motive.  Thanks, anxiety. 

8. Find the perfect haircut.  I know, I know...It's a lifelong journey for some of us.  

9. Roll around in a clean car for more than 3 hours.

10. Have a professional organize my house...and maintain said organization.  I feel like sometimes we live in the center of a tornado made up of toys, laundry and never-ending "to-do" lists.  

11. Meet a man who appreciates the fact that I may not have a perfect body or look flawless 24/7 but I can hold a conversation about world issues, literature, art, music and design...and those characteristics make me sexy AF.  

12. Take a ride out to the beach on the back of a motorcycle or in a convertible just to feel the wind in my hair and feel free for a small amount of time before I get back to worrying about school projects, taking out the trash or hustling to write this blog while balancing my life.  

13. Have someone send me flowers just because they know it would make me smile.  

14. Have a spa day where I am pampered from head to toe.  This is different from when you get enough time to shave both legs past the knees, or commit to blowdrying your hair.  This is the full deal where every part of your body is luxuriated upon, while someone brings you cucumber water and you walk away feeling like you did before you procreated.  

15.  Do all of the laundry without having to run the dryer twice because those clothes have been in there for 2 days.  

16. Leave the house for a night out with matching and even eyeliner for once. (You gals know what I'm saying.) 

17. Eat dinner at a grown up restaurant past 6:00 pm. Preferably someplace that has a longer cocktail menu than a kids menu.  

18. Walk through my house and NOT step over legos, action figures or random articles of clothing. 

19. Convince my child that he does not have to crawl into bed with me at 2 am and proceed to kick, slap or punch me in his sleep.  

20. Meet a partner who can accept and/or relate to the list above.  

 

Truth Bomb: Superheroes, Villains, and The Power Of Trusting Our Children

Trust.  It's a key part of human interaction, but also one of the hardest parts about being a human.   Do we trust? Will we trust? How does one trust? What happens when trust is betrayed? What qualifies someone as trustworthy? Trust surrounds us, engulfs us in her deceptive arms and lulls us into submission as time passes on. She makes us feel safe and secure and gives us emotional freedom when we embrace her whole-heartedly.  She also shakes the shit out of us, can make us feel our most vulnerable, wakes us up from our slumber with a swift kick to the gut and destroys the dream, turning it rapidly into a nightmare. You see, trust...she's a fickle bitch.  

I can sit here and write about the countless breeches in trust I have run into in my 37 years.  Relationships, marriage, friendships, and so on and so forth.  Here's the REAL reason I'm writing about trust.  As a parent, I trusted people at a particular institution and that trust was torn apart.  Without revealing too many personal and intricate details, I will say this: When it comes to our child ANY and ALL trust that we have given is with a degree of hesitation and uncertainty at first, but slowly earned and appreciated...but if it is ever broken, be prepared to feel our wrath.

Recently our family was faced with a situation that fragmented and splintered all of the trust we had given.  Sending your child off into the world is hard enough, but when you have to do so knowing what an awful place it can be, it is even harder.  We trusted his safety and security, we trusted his spirit and his heart would be protected, we trusted his mind would be unburdened of all the harshness of the world and that we would be given a chance to flourish and thrive. We noticed a pattern of behavior in our son that indicated stress and anxiety.  We know him, we observed him and we TRUSTED him and his four-year-old communication and disclosures.  Stories can sound outlandish, but are rooted in TRUTH. As a family we addressed issues that we all noticed, and in the end we believed that the villains in our story heard our concerns and heeded our warnings.

They DID NOT.   They BROKE that trust into a million tiny pieces of anger and sadness. 

Our heads spun.  Our hearts sank.  Or bodies wretched in utter disbelief.  But never, not once, did we ever lose TRUST in OUR CHILD.  That's the thing with raising kids in today's world, if you aren't listening to your own kid and blindly trusting adults, you've got a problem.  In this particular instance we learned very quickly to shut up and listen.  Listen to every word our son said to us and every word he muttered to himself in his room.  To calm down and watch.  Watch every expression on his face and every move he made.  And we TRUST him.  Trust that he's saying what he needs to say and exploring his environment how he needs to explore it in relation to his feelings and experiences.  Those are his superhero powers.  He may not be invincible, or be able to fly from building to building, but does have words and actions that give him capabilities beyond the scope of what we all can imagine.  That is his way of telling HIS truth. 

PARENTS: I cannot express this enough...without that we would have never known to battle his villains and to make the moves that we did to protect him from a potentially life changing event.  Even though we can't possibly shield him from everyone and everything that intends do him harm in the future, it's today that we realized that placing trust in him and allowing the conversations between us be entrenched in sincere certainty that we are empowering him with the right to tell us anything without judgment or punishment, to allow him to communicate feelings that we will validate, and create an environment where he is free to express himself, has created a person who is not easily victimized or taken advantage of by someone he didn't trust.  It's our opinion that he was able to stand up for himself and that power makes untrustworthy people uncomfortable.  

This isn't a blog about advice.  This isn't a blog about telling anyone how they should parent their own children.  This isn't about me telling you that we do it all right and anyone else did anything all wrong.  This is me telling you all that we trusted our child and it allowed us to take on a potentially threatening situation with confidence, even before we knew all of the underlying issues.  We gave our child trust and we took away the trust of the adults in the situation.  We took away the power from the adult and gave it to our son. It was HE who did the right thing and so did every child in the same situation, each in their own way. Every parent trusted their child and the children trusted the parents and in that trust a dangerous situation was addressed.  These kids were the super heroes.  They stood up to their villains and they are the ones that saved us all from certain doom.  Behind every super hero is a parent that believed in them first, and it was then we realized we are actually doing something right.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 2

Just a little follow up to Volume 1...

  1. I don't think I'm using Tinder correctly. I'm told that it has other uses beyond screenshotting hilarious profile pics to send to your friends, but I haven't found that to be true.  
  2. You would think that dating a single mom would be more appealing.  Let's face it, we are too busy to be a pain in the ass and we always have snacks in our purse.  
  3. Sometimes as I am falling asleep in my bed I think, "Do I really wanna fuck this up? I have it pretty good right now." And then I burst into tears and cry myself to sleep while watching the Golden Girls.  (I would totally be the Dorothy.)
  4. When people say "Why are you still single? So many guys would love to date you" the proper response is "No, so many guys are trying to sleep with me...there's a huge difference." 
  5. Single Moms in a relationships don't ask for much...movie dates, some tacos and the occasional orgasm...in that order...  
  6. I went on one date where a guy made snarky and judgmental statements about my shoes... I almost had to cut a bitch. Instead I left him with the check, snuck out and Ubered home. 
  7. My Match.com "matches" looks more like a sex offender registry...I'm not really sure what that says about me. 
  8. When it comes to dating, I think I have more feeling for tacos than most of the people who have actually asked me out of the past 4 years.  I'm sticking with tacos. They very rarely disappoint.  
  9. When they say no hookups, then send you a wiener pic was soon as you match...?
  10. When a man approaches me at a bar to introduce himself I automatically think, "knowing my luck, this guy has been here since noon because he has no job." I'm literally the poster girl for cynicism.  
  11. Why do all online dating profiles contain a fish picture, a picture showing nipple, a dirty bathroom mirror pic and a gym mirror selfie? 
  12. Nothing is more startling than seeing the profiles of people you know on a dating site...but you know you read that shit and take a few screenshots just for giggles.  
  13. When a woman starts talking to someone on a dating site she turns into a better investigator anyone on Law and Order. She can find his Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and SnapChat before he can can reply with a clever gif. 
  14. Am I the only one who finds it suspect that so many men over 40 have never been married or had kids? 
  15.  I never know what to say when someone asks, "What are you looking for?" right off the bat...the realist in me wants to answer, "ummm...someone to clean out the gutters and take out the trash" but for some reason I don't think thats what they are asking. 
  16. When you get a DM that says "What's Up?" is really fun to answer "My Body Mass Index" and see what happens.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Bathroom Edition

1. How is it possible we spend 75% of parenting most concerned with who is pooping, peeing, where they are pooping or peeing or cleaning said poop and pee...yet, Moms can literally forget to do either for what seems like days?

2. I didn't think it was possible, but I have witnessed my son pee ON an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper, without ever removing it from the holder, just to amuse himself.  

3. Theres nothing better for ones confidence than stepping out of the shower and having a tiny person say "I hope I never look like that naked." 

4. Kids give ZERO F*#%S about privacy until its an adult who is requesting said privacy...even in public bathrooms.  

5. Bathroom stalls are for quick pee breaks.  Family bathrooms are for your four and a half year old who insists on taking off all of his clothes and his shoes to take a poop.  

6. Asking a child to "not make a mess" while they are in the bath tub is like asking a pyromaniac to hold your lighter fluid and zippo.  

7. Never squeeze the bath toy thats been unused for a bit, in fact burn it, because if whatever is inside gets out you may need hazmat.  

8. I found out that I could still do the splits the other day...not that I wanted to but I slipped in the tub and now I'm not sure anything about my body will ever be the same again.  

9. I've been thinking about toilet training my terrier.  She seems like she would catch on faster than the kid did, and she probably wouldn't ask me to wipe her ass in the middle of my first cup of coffee.  

10. When you finally have some time alone at home and you go to relax in the tub but you need to first remove 45 tiny animals, a Chewbacca, maybe 1 or 2 naked Barbies, wash the from the tub crayons and glittery bath bomb the kiddos used a few days ago...aaaannnndd now this is just cleaning and not relaxing so you give up.  

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Dating Edition, Volume 1

Ugh.  So, as we all know, I am very single.  Well, I decided that 2017 is the year I try to be less single.  I'm not really interested in jumping into anything super serious, but maybe it would be good for me to try and give this dating thing a try.  We're one month in to this journey and its basically a disaster. 

  1. How do people actually meet each other now? No, seriously...HOW??? I have heard bizarre stories like, "we met at Whole Foods" or "we met at the gym." These are the two legit LEAST likely places for me to ever meet anyone! Pretty sure I'm so distracted by reading labels to make sure my four year old ingests the least amount of GMOs that I wouldn't notice a good looking man in the grocery store.  And the gym? Really? Thats where I go to forget about men and focus on myself! 
  2.  What ever happened to friends setting friends up on blind dates? Oh, yeah...that's right, I forgot that all of my friends have either been married for ions or are way more single and desperate than I am, so they have no decent dating pool options.  
  3.  Meeting someone in a bar? Not an option.  It hasn't worked in the past, why would I think it would work now? 
  4. Dating websites/apps, you say? Ok.  Well I have tried this route and it's a nightmare.  Why are they all holding fish or some other animal they have killed? Do women dig that? I have no clue.  
  5. Why can't anyone take a decent selfie? It's 2017! Its basically the only form of portraiture at this point.  Do they ever clean the bathroom mirror, I mean, do that before you take a bathroom selfie...please.  And what is it with just the pic of your nipple? Thats just SO strange.  
  6. Statistically speaking there must be a pretty large part of the population that is divorced (me) and a parent (also me) so why is every man in my 25 mile radius "never-been-married-no-kids-cats-only" guy? I really am hoping to date people that have had some life experience.  How am I supposed to relate to someone who has no responsibility outside of work and a cat litter box? 
  7. Have you ever seen couples and think to yourself, "Those two weirdos found each other...so why am I still single?"
  8.  Why do single men with no children think that I'm looking for a father for my kid? I'm NOT! Thats utterly ridiculous.  My son has a great father, and we're friends.  The assumption I need a man for the "positive male role model" is presumptuous and insulting, at best.  
  9. I have come to realize after 4 years of being single (by choice, thank you very much) that I am independent to a fault.  Its kind of my biggest flaw.  I should work on that.  
  10. Can't I just date John Cusack? Is he available? 
  11. I would be the perfect girlfriend.  I'm busy, so I wouldn't be needy.  I'm also not likely to waste someone's time.  Being a Mom has taught me to just be honest.  No BS.  No games. No assumptions.  I mean, can't we just see a movie once in awhile? Maybe some dinner and a glass of wine? I'm looking for someone to make fun of these dating apps with.  
  12. When someone messages you and say "hey beautiful, what are you looking for?" it makes me want to respond with "someone to clean out the car and fold the laundry..." 
  13.  Why do all men assume that "fit/active" means skinny? I gave birth to a human, run, go to the gym to lift, and eat a very healthy diet...I AM NOT SKINNY...nor do I really want to be.  
  14. Raising a son means I have seen my share of penis by 8 am, so why would a man think I would want a "dick pic" sent to me while I am cruising Target for some new flannel pajamas?! UMMM, NO.  
  15. When I think about going on an actual date I think about having to wear spanks and do my hair and I start to realize being single might not be that bad after all...

Let's Be Friends: What Not To Say To A Single Parent

Parenting is parenting, plain and simple.  It really doesn't matter if someone is single or married.  I am a person, a well-educated woman with many interests and a multitude of passions and talents.  One of those many things is being the best mother that I can possibly be. But I also love music and art, films and books.  I love to see my friends and talk about world issues or just crack jokes back and forth for a few hours over some food and a nice glass of Pinot Grigio.  I am a whole person. Look, I really want to like you and I don't want you to sound like a complete dickhead.  Here are some tips on what not to say to a single parent.  Then, maybe we can see each other's perspective a little better and we won't have those cavernous awkward moments that can fill a room when someone said something stupid or offensive.

  1. "How do you do it all?  I wouldn't be able to do it." Yes, you would.  Any of us would.  You love your kid; you take care of your kid.  That's it.  Like Tina Belcher says, " I'm no hero, I put my bra on one boob at a time just like everyone else."
  2. Please address me as a person.  Ask me how I am doing.  Yes, I know, you want to know how my child is doing, too, and that’s great.  I really do appreciate it.  Ask me how I am doing.  It's not very often that someone will actually care how or what I have going on outside of parenting, but can you just pretend?  The list is long and I kind of really want to talk about all of that stuff.  As much as I would love to talk about potty training, preschool germs, sleepless nights and temperamental toddler tantrums…give me a break.  Just ask me how I am doing.
  3. "I can relate." No, you can't.  Just like I can't relate to your issues.  I don't live in your house. I don't know what you're going through, so please don't assume you can relate to all the shit I have going on.  It's a delicate balancing act of emotions and circumstances, at any minute it could all crumble.  You can't relate to my situation, just like I can't relate to yours.  But I can empathize and I can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on if you need it and if you offer the same, that would be greatly appreciated.
  4. "You should start dating again." Thanks for the opinion, but I'm really good alone right now.  When the time is right, it will happen.  Dating isn't a fix to single parenthood.  I don't want to fix it.  This is working for me, so please keep your opinion on my love life, or serious lack-there-of, to yourself.
  5. Back off of the ex.  It's none of your business.  If you aren't in my very, very tiny circle of trust, please keep any and all opinions of the ex to yourself.  Don't make drama where drama doesn't need to be or exist.  We don't have time for that mess.  Move along.
  6. I can't stand the terms "baby daddy" or "baby mama." We have names and identities.  At the very least you can call me "Boo's Mom." Its disrespectful to address either of us in such a fashion and I mentally check-out when it happens…so more than likely I have probably ignored all the words that came out of your mouth after "baby mama."
  7. "Make sure to take care of yourself first." Yeah, I get it.  The reality is that when you are a single parent taking care of yourself has to take a back seat to taking care of the kid, the house, the dog, feeding the fish, making dinner, running baths, doing your own laundry, etc.  Sometimes I just can't take care of myself first.  I forget to eat, or shower, or take my vitamins or apply my wrinkle creams, but I try to take care of myself the best I can and I don't need a reminder of priorities.  Mine are straight.  Thanks.
  8. "I bet you really need a vacation right now." This may be difficult for you to understand, but the minute you are away from your tiny terror you miss them and the thought of being away from them for too long makes every bone in your body ache with a pain that is so indescribable you often just opt for a weekend at Disney World rather than a spa weekend away with your girls.  There is no vacation from this life.  And I don't need one.  I love the chaos and crazy.
  9. Don't give me parenting advice unless I ask for it.  Just don't.
  10. "I feel so sorry for you." Really? How rude! Why would anyone feel sorry for me? I have an incredible life, an amazing child, a warm home, a full heart and the best and most amazing support system in the world.  Never feel sorry for me.  I got this.

It takes a village to raise every child and every village is different.  I chose this life and I don't regret it.  My child is loved beyond measure by both of his parents, all of his grandparents, and aunts and uncles, cousins, babysitter, neighbors, friends, and teachers.  Are some days harder and longer than others? YES! This can be said for all parents, not just singles parents.  Please don't presume to assume that I'm alone or lonely, or sad and pathetic. I am not…and even when I am feeling that way.  I'm not.  So lets be friends, shall we?

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