I know it sounds cynical and honestly probably a little rude and off-putting to say this, but I am perfectly OK with not being 100% "happy" all of the time. It's too much pressure. As a single parent, I think I have enough stuff to worry about, so why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of happy, too? The definition of said state of being reads "showing pleasure or contentment." I can do content. What I can't do is deal with the fact that everywhere I turn, someone or something is telling me I HAVE to be HAPPY. Why? I am so much more than that. I have emotions well beyond just that one. I live a complicated life with ups and downs. Do I feel happiness? YES, of course I do!! I feel joyful, and silly and blessed a lot of the time. But I also am here to be as honest and transparent as I can be in regards to life, parenting and all that I am as a woman raising a son. I started this blog as an attempt to share tips and tricks of single parenting. It has evolved into my own way of expressing my real truth. So here I am, being perfectly frank with all of you. I don't want to be "happy" all of the time. What I want is to be free to feel my emotions. To own them. To grow from them. To to express them, and to not hide who I really am under a fake smile and cheerful disposition. I did that for a long time. In a marriage, in relationships, in work and even in parenting. It did me no good. I lost who I really was for the sake of making everyone else feel comfortable. I don't want to do that anymore. I want people to know me, not an idea of what inspirational Pinterest quotes tell me I should be.
I have great days where everything comes together and no one is injured, the house is clean, the laundry actually gets past the folded stage and gets put into drawers, the kid ate a vegetable and I feel genuinely good and peaceful. But, not every day is like that. Some days are horrible and nothing comes together and we're late to school, he bumps his head, the dog pissed on the rug and forget about laundry....we're lucky if we're wearing pants at all. Those days I feel defeated, tired, lonely, frustrated or maybe even just sad. Fun Fact: one definition of sad is "pathetically inadequate or unfashionable." Yo! That describes parenting to a T!
There are moments in a sad day that are happy. Those moments, for me, outweigh any whole day of happiness because what can bring me out of the dark and into the light is truly special and genuine, unique and real. When the kiddo just says "I love you, Mom" for no reason at all, or you get a text from your bestie that makes your smile, when you look down at a sleeping, sweet-faced child and know you all actually survived another day and that they, your children, are actually 100% happy. That's really what matters to me.
So, there it is. My Mom confession. I am perfectly OK with not being 100% happy, because all of the other emotions that I feel make up the person I am and are born out of the wonderfully complex life that I live. Real Talk.