Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: Spooky and All Together Ooky...A Halloween Edition

1. Halloween has become about discussing Halloween and everything Halloween related all day everyday for 3 months, only to have your kid see an early Christmas display at Target and now he gives ZERO F*&%s about any of your costume or decorating efforts.  

2. Who else thinks that Halloween should only be celebrated on the weekends? This mid-week BS is the stuff of parenting nightmares.  

3. If you want any kind of adult "school-classroom-appropriate" costume you should break out the old sewing machine and throw something together on your own...unless you think "sexy corn" or "sexy shoehorn" or "sexy random kitchen utensil" is welcome at the preschool Fall Festival, because that's all that is for sale at the Halloween stores.  

4. Speaking of Halloween stores, we took my soon-to-be-five-year-old son to one to pick out a costume.  He freaked out, had a mini-panic attack, and wouldn't let go of his Dad.  We literally bought the first two decent costumes we saw and had to book it out of there before we did any kind of major psychological damage.  (I need to stop watching Mindhunter on Netflix...) 

5. We happen to live in the Sunshine State, so trick or treating or anything fall related is more about managing an overheating kiddo, my boob sweat and making sure everyone is chafe-free and doesn't end up with heat rashes and dehydration.  

6. We have 5 costumes because he will either make a last minute final decision or just throw together some homage to Cybil and be 5 personalities at once, which sounds more fun than the typical Ghost or Paw Patrol character to me.  

7. Halloween candy...every mom's winter-weight nightmare.  I say give it to Dad.  I hear 'Dad-bod" is actually a "thing" now.  

8. Pumpkin flavored everything is gross.  Fact.  Stop it.  

9. Question: How the F am I supposed to get my kid to school after a solid 24 hours of him operating on adrenaline, sugar, and the sheer willpower to keep up with the bigger kids on the trick or treating route? I feel like he will be going to school with a Halloween Hangover...and we know how awesome those can be if you've ever tried to go to work the day after drinking way too much dressed as "sexy corn."  

10.  The most annoying thing about Halloween? Trying to figure out if I need to dress and act a little LESS like Morticia Addams for this one day a year.  

11. Candy corn is made of what, exactly?

12. How many kids will be dressed as a Poop Emoji and do we find this cute or just weird? I mean...the kid decided to dress as feces.  

13. You know what's really fun? Cleaning up the gelatinous remains of what once resembled a carved pumpkin.  Ew.  

14. I lost count on how many times I've threatened to "cancel Halloween" due to bad behavior.  

15. How to traumatize a person with anxiety: dress your child in a costume that blends with all the other kids costume, let him lose on the streets, around strangers and with plastic weapons...and do all of this in the dark.  

16. Is it me or is there always at least one asshole kid in the group? 

17. Is it me or is there always one drunk AF parent in the group? 

18. You can always tell the houses that ate all of the "good candy" by the look of guilt on their faces and the hurried manner in which they threw in some loose Certs and cough drop into your kid's bucket. 

19. The trick or treat route is only as long as the length of time it takes the lead parent empty their giant Yeti cup of adult beverage.  

20. Is Tired AF a costume? 'Cause I got that look on lock. 

Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The 'What Ever Happened To...' Edition

 

1. What ever happened to children's birthday parties that weren't out of control? Remember birthday parties as a kid? They consisted of 6 or 7 of your best buddies, maybe a cousin or two, a cake, some paper hats.  Well, not anymore. Now we have elaborate soirees where we invite 40 kids AND THEIR PARENTS (because no one just drops their kid off anymore, like our parents did) cupcake towers that would put your wedding cakes to shame, and truckloads of gifts that we know our kids don't need (or deserve, because...when is that last time they picked up their own room?)  

2. What ever happened to "be home when the street lights come on" parenting? We don't live in that type of world anymore. Kids used to be able to get together with friends and explore the world around them. Remember The Goonies or Stand By Me? Yeah, no.  That shit would never happen nowadays. Instead, we have to helicopter parent and monitor every moment because the streets are filled with crazies making even the best of neighborhoods feel unsafe and thereby creating a culture of over stressed parents and overly uptight kids. 

3. Whatever happened to quality toys? Every toy I buy is a piece of crap.  It falls apart or is flimsily made and sometimes barely even makes it home before its broken, creating meltdown after meltdown.  Dear toy makers, you suck. 

4. What ever happened to kids having the time to play after school? I've heard horror stories from countless parents about hours of homework...starting in kindergarten.  Not gonna lie, this freaks me out.  I'm terrified of having to confine my child to the house for additional school work instead of letting him run around the backyard getting exercise and releasing the pent up energy he already has before eating a good dinner and going to bed at a decent hour.  How are you parents surviving this?? 

5. What ever happened to just packing a school lunch? We all know how difficult the rules have become.  (No, I am not saying that I don't respect the fact that allergies are real and dangerous.) But damn, packing lunch sucks now.  Old school parents just threw in some bologna sandwiches, Cheetos, and some Snapple. 

6. What ever happened to parenting while quietly judging everyone else, instead of putting it all over the internet? Remember the days of your parents and your friend's parents sitting around (possibly while smoking and drinking cocktails at 4:30pm) and talking shit about other parents? That stayed in the inner circle.  It was never splashed all over Facebook or brought to everyones attention in a group text.  

7. What ever happened to customer service? Remember when you could give a person money in return for goods or services and DIDN'T have to go through an automated phone service or were required to go online? Gone are the days of just buying some shit...now we have to deal with the website first.  I don't get it.  

8. Whatever happened to making friends? Now we just friend request each other or follow each other instead of actually hanging out and doing stuff.  

9. What ever happened to babysitters who were the teenage daughter of a family friend or a college girl that lived down the street? They were the coolest, got paid twenty bucks for the whole night and barely supervised anything because they were on the phone the whole time talking to friends.  I learned SO much from my babysitters.  How to get my bangs to stay up like a huge wave coming off my forehead, who the Thompson Twins were, how to call a boy...the important stuff.  I'm pretty sure my babysitters had no real child care experience, no CPR certification, no background checks and absolutely no ability to make sound decisions on nutrition. 

10. Whatever happened to walking? It was never a big deal to walk to the store, or walk around the mall or walk all over the Disney World when I was little.  Now, kids avoid this walking thing like the plague.  I've seen kids in strollers that look like they're graduating from high school any moment now. 

MLR Fave Rave: February is Sunny Vacays, Love and Birthdays!

Hey Rebel Leaders and Domestic Warrior Princesses! I haven't done a Fave Rave since August because, well...I keep forgetting! Oops! Honestly, I have so many new products that I am totally obsessed with that I am feeling the need to share, but also just want to include some tips and tricks of how I get through some of the stuff we have planned for the next few weeks of crazy.  February is my birthday month, annual family vacation to Key Largo, FL (a 6 hour road trip) and Valentine's Day...all of those either being really exciting or super depressing. I'm not sure which, yet. Here's an idea of what I am gathering up for all of this years festivities.  

First of all, I am a huge fan of the "at home spa day." So as my 37th birthday (yes, I said my actual age) approaches I wanted to share some of the new products I have been tinkering with on the rare occasion that I get to indulge in some beautification between loads of laundry and packing lunches.  I love all things Bliss for the best in DIY spa days with high quality products.  Recently I have had all the feels for the Mask-A 'Peel' Radiance Rubberizing Mask! Just mix with water, slather on, let dry and peel. And before I get ready for vacation I like to use a Hot Salt Scrub and Self Tanner because literally no one wants to see my pasty legs without a little sun-kissed glow. When it comes to my hair, I have a serious crush on the Olaplex at home treatment.  It's easy to use, you can get about 4 treatments per bottle (depending on the length of your hair) and it's legit a miracle for color treated tresses like mine. Can we say godsend?!

We all know I am single AF, but that doesn't mean I don't do a little Valentine's Day splurging.  This year I am making a little gift basket for my son with some fun little surprises, like awesome bath bombs, a sweet new shirt to wear to school and my little man's FAVORITE candy.  Don't judge, but may I report back after the most humiliating holiday of the year that I sent myself flowers...and carbs.  Let's face it, I will probably eat a whole pizza that day. That being said, I'm also really into taking ownership and loving my own body this year.  I am getting up there in years and have always battled with weigh issues. I have always worn a one piece bathing suit...but this year, NO WAY! I am learning to LOVE my body for Valentine's Day and letting it shine on our sunny vacay.  This year I will be lounging poolside in a bikini and reading my new favorite book by Ashley Graham.  

 Also, it takes me a good month to plan for a 6 hour road trip down to the Keys, or anywhere for that matter, so this year I am preparing a few weeks in advance by getting the car super organized and making sure we pack light and save plenty of room for all of the ridiculously amazing road-side crap you can find in Southern Florida.  One of the things I am pretty adamant about it not eating junk food along the way..  It's just not a good idea.  Sour bellies and sugar cranked kiddos don't make for an easy coast down state.  I try to pack healthy snacks, and meals for the backseat where B and passengers can grab something easily.  When we make a pit stop I am fully prepared for the horror of public restrooms.  Trust me and always have these items in your car at ALL times: Trash bag, Gallon ZipLoc Bag, Paper Towels, Toilet Paper.  You never know when these will be needed and you DON'T want to be stuck roadside with no way to clean and contain messes or mishaps.  This has happened to me and they only thing I can say is that if it weren't for my make-shift hazmat kit, I would have been totally screwed.  

So, wish me luck.  Another year closer to 40, another adventure, and another single Hallmark holiday to come and go.  This year its about ME! Time to love myself, own my life and be grateful for every wrinkle, dimple, disaster and triumph.