Funny Observations From My Life As a Single Mom: 12 Times Fashion Failed You

1. Girl, if you are out to brunch and working hard at finding the bottom of the "bottomless mimosas" don't teeter around town in 5 inch platform wedges.  They look cute one drink in, but by the third you're falling flat on your ass on the way to the bathroom.

2. Let's talk about rompers.  First of all, if the romper rides up in the back then let's assume its riding up in the front.  That's not cute, girl. NOT CUTE.  Also, if your ass checks are falling out of said romper you would consider upsizing.  Real Talk: it's complete rare that a real human can pull off this look, so maybe just don't.  OK?

3. I am all for leggings, don't get me wrong.  But, in the unfortunate event that the pattern of a kitten, unicorn, rainbow, or any other majestic being looks like is leaping from your ass (or even worse...vag) just don't wear them in public.  Remember that the internet it a cruel place and you don't want to end up next weeks most popular meme.  

4. If high-wasted jeans are making you look like you have a mile-long-flat-ass and a "front-butt", please consider that some trends are for 17-year-olds with a lightening fast metabolism...and thats not you.  

5. If you are wearing leggings and I can see your maxi-pad outline you may need to find a longer shirt. (You have no idea how common this is...for reals.) 

6. If your bra makes you look like you have four boobs or one big mono-boob you may want to rethink the size of said over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.  

7. Fellas can have a fashion fail, too.  If your shirt reads as a dick/fart joke, you've failed BIG time.  

8. If you wanna smoke weed, thats cool.  If I see you at the school function wearing your pot leaf necklace circa 1994 you're gonna retire that shit ASAP.  

9. Over the age of 14 ironic t-shirts are no longer cute or ironic.  

10. Crocs are not shoes for every occasion.  If you think they are you need a smack in the face with one.  

11.  When heading to the beach or the pool, please remember that the rules of swimwear are not just a loose interpretation.  Seriously, some of y'all need to get a grip on that shit. I'm not your doctor or your partner so I don't need to see that much of you in public. 

12. If you aren't sure about whether or not you are a walking fashion fail just go to places like WalMart or Disney and look around.  If your outfit looks like most of their outfits, you fail.  If not, you should be all good.  (We all know WalMart and Disney are the two places fashion goes to die, just admit it.) 


Truth Bomb: It's Not You, It's Me...and I'm OK With That

There comes a point in your life when you have to stand up and take ownership of your baggage. So I will do that right here, today, for all of you.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I hurt people with my words and actions.  I don't handle every situation as diplomatically as I should.  And, here's the big one... I'm pretty fucked up.  It's not you, it's ME.  It's how I have survived the hurt, the betrayal, the pain that others before you have inflicted, the fact that many of my issues are that of my own bad decision making and all of these things are now just part of who I am, deep in my core.  I've tried to unpack the baggage, to put it away.  I've tried to sort the issues and burn the subscriptions to the crazy.  I've desperately tried (and failed) to run from if all and start over, but in the end they always find their way back to me.  But here's the other thing about all of this...I am tired of apologizing for it.  Does anyone really want to be unhappy, or lonely, or burdened like this? NO! At least I have the balls to own it all and wear it on my sleeve. 

Walls aren't built overnight, or haphazardly.  They are built over time and with deliberate care.  Each painful issue balanced ever so delicately upon the next and with careful consideration as to where they're placed.  Fitting together like a puzzle to create a barrier to the softest and most vulnerable parts of who I am and what is available to you.  When a part of that wall is prudently removed to let someone in or to open up to an experience it is done so with fear and anxiety.  It does happen.  It happens more often than it probably should, too.  Those are the moments in life when we learn the most about who we are and what we can handle.  If I am met with disappointment and conflict it's a given that the wall goes back up, but not without first knowing that I was better off having been assailable, ultimately hurt and having survived to be that much more aware of my faults. I can't stop living or loving or being a human being.  

I have never claimed to be perfect.  In fact, if you have met me or read this blog it's fair to say that I come off as self-deprecating, less than confident and awkward as hell. I don't always say the right things, and sometimes that's conceived as hurtful or mean.  It's not my intention, but I also don't exactly know how to convey the feelings I have inside of me.  I've never been great at that.  My older sibling was always the one with the moxie to say exactly what was on his mind. My own mother is outspoken and strong-willed and a no-nonsense type of person.  Not me.  I just shut my mouth and took what was coming at me.  In my thirty-something years I have learned to swallow A LOT OF BULLSHIT.  I have always had a tendency to let people walk all over me, to laugh off things that they say that actually hurt me. I've become a master at hiding the overly sensitive and detrimentally empathetic part of myself that feels every feeling with the intensity of a thousand suns, only to come across as hard and cold and cynical.  I did that to myself.  Its no one else's fault.  I created that coping mechanism, and I have never said it's the healthiest thing to do, nor has it always worked.  Some see right through the facade, to the person that I really am.  Some don't bother to look at all and move on.  Some are so used to it that they accept it, and me, and love me anyways.  It's the latter that literally gets me through most of my days.  For those people I am loyal, fiercely protective, love with every fiber of my being, and appreciate more than words could ever really describe, and even with all of that...sometimes I'm still an asshole.  

So there you have it.  I confess.  I'm not perfect, but I am trying to be better, do better and to get rid some of these heavy rocks in my pockets so the I can learn to float and feel free.  I won't accept "this is the best I can do" from myself.  I know that I can do better. But I am not here to offer an apology for who I am or what I have been through. This is not an admission of self loathing, in fact, it's the opposite.  This is an acknowledgment of things that I do or have done that I want to change and that have made great efforts to see beyond and try to move forward with patience and self-love..  I am not a bad person, I am a NORMAL person.  I am not a package that is damaged beyond repair, but one that is constantly trying to evolve and grow.  I am a flawed woman with kindness and caring to share.  There are a lot of things about me that I have learned to embrace and you should too: I'm a bad dancer, I only wear black, I barely ever brush my hair, I cry at animal videos on Facebook, I drive like an old woman, I am terrible at math and I overcook the rice eight times out of ten...I AM NOT PERFECT NOR DO I ASPIRE TO BE SOME VERSION OF THAT. I am who I am and I am worthy of love, acceptance, understanding and value. So, now that I have said all of this I can feel confident in moving forward...  Cue MJ's Man In The Mirror.  



Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition

  1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me? 
  2. Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
  3. I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.  
  4. When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
  5. I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.  
  6. I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.  
  7. I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
  8. Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan.  Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those. 
  9. I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject.  Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all.  It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you.  (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.) 
  10. Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.  
  11. Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time.  The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.  
  12. Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.  
  13. Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies.  Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.  
  14. Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire. 
  15. Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away. 
  16. My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.  
  17. If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
  18. When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.  
  19. Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.  
  20. You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.  

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

Truth Bomb: Mom-Shaming

image Mom-Shaming is like a sickness. Take something beautiful and corrupt it with words that decay the very thing we love. What's up with all the negative these days? I have a kid. SO WHAT?  He's topic of a lot of my conversations and generally the highlight of what's going on in my life. But when others make the choice to Mom-shame, wether it be other mothers or childless acquaintances, it shows the gross disrespect for what it takes to be a parent. You think any of this is easy? It's not. The general attitude these days is so negative. Maybe it's the political climate or the economy, or maybe I just know a bunch of assholes. I don't know what the answer is but let me list some observations of Mom-Shaming and maybe you will get the idea of what we're working with:

The Childless Life Expert: The person with no children who thinks and says everything that comes to their mind, even when it's A) extremely wrong B) extremely offensive or C) unsolicited commentary on how you live your life. Yes I have a child and am a devoted parent. No, I don't live my life as carefree and reckless as I used to. Yes, it is a lot to deal with. No, I don't hate my stop insinuating that I do. It's like this: when I leave the house to socialize (sans kiddo) I need that time away. I liken it to how you feel when you get out of work or finish a big project. We just need a break. It recharges the batteries but when people say such things as "thank God I don't have kids...that must suck" or "you need to get out more, that must suck" I want to run back home to my child...who, by the way, I have left and given up valuable time with. Let's face it, you're not being cool or sound intelligent when you say're just a dick.  Just because I have a child doesn't mean that I'm not human.  I miss hanging out at the bar til the morning hours, movies whenever I want and eating at great restaurants that don't have an animatronic band and serve shitty pizza. I respect the fact that a lot of people I know have chosen not to have children. That's great. That's not my life but I appreciate yours. When you shame me it hurts, and that's the truth.

The Relatively Annoying Shamer: This is a relative (like, for example, a mother-in-law) that judges and comments on every parental move you make.  The little digs, the persistent side-eye, or the flat-out ignoring of your become like a ticking time bomb.  All parents appreciate advice when we need it, but when the relative in question disrespects your authority every time  you step through their door it puts distance where the distance doesn't need to be.  When this happens, do yourself a favor and nip it in the bud.  A respectful, "I appreciate all of your advice and thoughtful consideration of our child, but please remember to adhere to my rules so that we present a unified front and create a cohesive family unit."  You're the parent and what you say goes, and that's the truth...Sometimes Granny has to back the hell up.

The FB Shamer: Yes I have a child and I post about said tiny person on social media.  I am proud of my accomplishments as a parent.  If I hear you say one more time "do you post enough pictures of your kid, I mean geez," followed by an eye roll Someone better hold me back.  I will come across the room and put you into time out or put soap in your mouth. You must spend too much time with the "Childless Life Expert" (aka DICK) that I mentioned above.  How dare you think that your opinion on what I post to social media regarding my child is a place for you to shame me? You post your stuff and I'll post mine but please...leave your judgment for politics and poor fashion sense.  I think my kid is adorable and that's the truth, so deal with it or unfollow me.

The Mom-On-Mom Shame: This is when one Mom shames another Mom/Parent. The worst offense of them all, I believe, because you should know what we're all going through. It's hard enough without having another Mom commenting on your choices as a parent. We all have the same end goal. Survival. So why do we feel like we need to judge one another on how we choose to raise our kid. Listen, he's mine...not yours. So if I don't choose to breastfeed my child until he's 4 or he's not speaking Mandarin in his after school oboe lessons; if he happens to eat a happy meal once in a blue moon or doesn't live off of wheatgrass and barely, it's our choice and by any stretch of the imagination is he going to grow up any less loved or cherished than anyone else's child. I am thankful with every sunrise and sunset for a happy, healthy child. I know some people cannot say the same, so shame on US ALL for this type of preconceived notion that what works for us should be the way everyone else does this parenting thing. The truth is NONE of us are really doing it ALL correctly.

If you're finding yourself in one or all of the categories (remember: to be honest, I have totally been guilty of one or all of these at some point so I'm speaking from experience) please reconsider what seems like no big deal to you, but is actually a huge problem.  It's hard enough to be a parent, but it's even harder to feel isolated from friends and society.  Being a parent is just a part of who I am.  My interests are diverse and expand beyond poopy-diaper discussions.  At the end of the day all that I want is to raise a happy and well-rounded child, and you want me to raise a happy and well-rounded child, so stop shaming and start supporting cause this shit ain't easy...#truthbomb.