Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: The Beauty Edition

  1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..." but that doesn't mean I still don't get a little startled when I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear review mirror on the way to drop off... Seriously, who is that woman looking back at me? 
  2. Remember when you woke up and "got ready" for the day by doing your hair and putting on makeup and an outfit that you planned right down to the perfect accessories? Remember when you spent hours doing beauty treatments and facials and mani/pedis and even cared about waxing? Remember when you got your hair done more than biannually?
  3. I will admit this to all of you right now...I GET BOTOX! Trust me, you don't want to see my real facial expressions anyways.  
  4. When it takes more time to apply wrinkle creams and anti-aging treatments at night than it does to put your kid to sleep, you know you're in trouble...
  5. I don't think doing things to make yourself feel good about how you look, or what your hair looks like, looking younger and fresher, and feel more confident is being a "bad mom", and when people imply that to me they usually look like hot trash too, so I take what they say with a grain of salt.  
  6. I appreciate that fact that the "messy bun" is in style but there's a difference between what Pinterest is talking about and my messy mom hair that hasn't been washed in a week and at one point housed a gummy bear for a whole day without my knowledge.  
  7. I call it multi-tasking when I put on a seaweed mask or clay mask and scare the shit out of my son with my "monster makeup"...
  8. Back in the day I used to oil up and lounge by the pool until I reached the perfect shade of tan.  Now I look like a bee keeper out there, completely covered up and slathered in SPF 3 million...except on the tops of my feet...I always forget those. 
  9. I think a lot of Moms judge each other way too much on this subject.  Either we are too put together to be "super mom" or we look like a pile of shit and are told we "aren't taking care of ourselves properly to be a good mom." F THAT! Do what makes you feel good! Lasers, peels, injections, make-up, weekly blowouts...or nothing at all.  It's up to you and no Mom at the playground should make your vanity or lack-there-of a weapon against you.  (Plus you know that bitch dyes her hair too... Girl, Bye.) 
  10. Summertime beauty is basically all about waterproof mascara and trying not to resemble a troll doll.  
  11. Its inevitable that your child will look more put together than you do 80% of the time.  The other 20% is when they stay home with a sitter.  
  12. Just accept that your winged eyeliner will never match and save yourself the time and the aggravation.  
  13. Being "trendy" is a lot less practical at this stage in the game, ladies.  Mermaid hair or unicorn hair is always the coveted "anti mom mop-top" goal, but its a lot of maintenance...and lest we forget we haven't shaved our legs in three weeks, let alone remembered to use special shampoos and to only rinse that dye job with cool water.  
  14. Shower routine with kids in the house: wash what you can and get out of there before they set the place on fire. 
  15. Shower routine with no kids in the house: Spends a whole hour and all of the hot water shaving one's self as smooth as a dolphin and enjoys the simple sound of the water rushing over your face without anyone bursting in to have you fix an Autobot or take a poop while your trying to wash the stink of the day away. 
  16. My motto is: contour and beat that face until I look like I did when I slept 8 hours a night and ate better than cold leftover mac'n'cheese. No shame in my makeup game, gals.  
  17. If you haven't worn makeup and done your hair in a while and you finally have a night out where you get the opportunity to go ALL OUT...and you end up looking like a contestant on Ru Paul Drag Race...
  18. When someone says "you smell nice" and you reply "thanks, I just wiped my hands with a baby wipe." It's anyone guess why you still have friends.  
  19. Here's a little truth bomb: I keep a black t-shirt dress, sunglasses and red lip gloss in the car, just in case I need to look "some-what-presentable" at any given time. I can give you 'tired-ass Audrey Hepburn' with those few things in under 5 minutes.  
  20. You know you're going out when you adjust your bra straps to pick those puppies up where they belong.  

Bonus: When you're at any makeup counter, beauty supply or cosmetics store and the sales person has a Sally-Jessy Raphael meets Marilyn Manson look going on:

MLR Fave Rave: February is Sunny Vacays, Love and Birthdays!

Hey Rebel Leaders and Domestic Warrior Princesses! I haven't done a Fave Rave since August because, well...I keep forgetting! Oops! Honestly, I have so many new products that I am totally obsessed with that I am feeling the need to share, but also just want to include some tips and tricks of how I get through some of the stuff we have planned for the next few weeks of crazy.  February is my birthday month, annual family vacation to Key Largo, FL (a 6 hour road trip) and Valentine's Day...all of those either being really exciting or super depressing. I'm not sure which, yet. Here's an idea of what I am gathering up for all of this years festivities.  

First of all, I am a huge fan of the "at home spa day." So as my 37th birthday (yes, I said my actual age) approaches I wanted to share some of the new products I have been tinkering with on the rare occasion that I get to indulge in some beautification between loads of laundry and packing lunches.  I love all things Bliss for the best in DIY spa days with high quality products.  Recently I have had all the feels for the Mask-A 'Peel' Radiance Rubberizing Mask! Just mix with water, slather on, let dry and peel. And before I get ready for vacation I like to use a Hot Salt Scrub and Self Tanner because literally no one wants to see my pasty legs without a little sun-kissed glow. When it comes to my hair, I have a serious crush on the Olaplex at home treatment.  It's easy to use, you can get about 4 treatments per bottle (depending on the length of your hair) and it's legit a miracle for color treated tresses like mine. Can we say godsend?!

We all know I am single AF, but that doesn't mean I don't do a little Valentine's Day splurging.  This year I am making a little gift basket for my son with some fun little surprises, like awesome bath bombs, a sweet new shirt to wear to school and my little man's FAVORITE candy.  Don't judge, but may I report back after the most humiliating holiday of the year that I sent myself flowers...and carbs.  Let's face it, I will probably eat a whole pizza that day. That being said, I'm also really into taking ownership and loving my own body this year.  I am getting up there in years and have always battled with weigh issues. I have always worn a one piece bathing suit...but this year, NO WAY! I am learning to LOVE my body for Valentine's Day and letting it shine on our sunny vacay.  This year I will be lounging poolside in a bikini and reading my new favorite book by Ashley Graham.  

 Also, it takes me a good month to plan for a 6 hour road trip down to the Keys, or anywhere for that matter, so this year I am preparing a few weeks in advance by getting the car super organized and making sure we pack light and save plenty of room for all of the ridiculously amazing road-side crap you can find in Southern Florida.  One of the things I am pretty adamant about it not eating junk food along the way..  It's just not a good idea.  Sour bellies and sugar cranked kiddos don't make for an easy coast down state.  I try to pack healthy snacks, and meals for the backseat where B and passengers can grab something easily.  When we make a pit stop I am fully prepared for the horror of public restrooms.  Trust me and always have these items in your car at ALL times: Trash bag, Gallon ZipLoc Bag, Paper Towels, Toilet Paper.  You never know when these will be needed and you DON'T want to be stuck roadside with no way to clean and contain messes or mishaps.  This has happened to me and they only thing I can say is that if it weren't for my make-shift hazmat kit, I would have been totally screwed.  

So, wish me luck.  Another year closer to 40, another adventure, and another single Hallmark holiday to come and go.  This year its about ME! Time to love myself, own my life and be grateful for every wrinkle, dimple, disaster and triumph.