There comes a point in your life when you have to stand up and take ownership of your baggage. So I will do that right here, today, for all of you. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I hurt people with my words and actions. I don't handle every situation as diplomatically as I should. And, here's the big one... I'm pretty fucked up. It's not you, it's ME. It's how I have survived the hurt, the betrayal, the pain that others before you have inflicted, the fact that many of my issues are that of my own bad decision making and all of these things are now just part of who I am, deep in my core. I've tried to unpack the baggage, to put it away. I've tried to sort the issues and burn the subscriptions to the crazy. I've desperately tried (and failed) to run from if all and start over, but in the end they always find their way back to me. But here's the other thing about all of this...I am tired of apologizing for it. Does anyone really want to be unhappy, or lonely, or burdened like this? NO! At least I have the balls to own it all and wear it on my sleeve.
Walls aren't built overnight, or haphazardly. They are built over time and with deliberate care. Each painful issue balanced ever so delicately upon the next and with careful consideration as to where they're placed. Fitting together like a puzzle to create a barrier to the softest and most vulnerable parts of who I am and what is available to you. When a part of that wall is prudently removed to let someone in or to open up to an experience it is done so with fear and anxiety. It does happen. It happens more often than it probably should, too. Those are the moments in life when we learn the most about who we are and what we can handle. If I am met with disappointment and conflict it's a given that the wall goes back up, but not without first knowing that I was better off having been assailable, ultimately hurt and having survived to be that much more aware of my faults. I can't stop living or loving or being a human being.
I have never claimed to be perfect. In fact, if you have met me or read this blog it's fair to say that I come off as self-deprecating, less than confident and awkward as hell. I don't always say the right things, and sometimes that's conceived as hurtful or mean. It's not my intention, but I also don't exactly know how to convey the feelings I have inside of me. I've never been great at that. My older sibling was always the one with the moxie to say exactly what was on his mind. My own mother is outspoken and strong-willed and a no-nonsense type of person. Not me. I just shut my mouth and took what was coming at me. In my thirty-something years I have learned to swallow A LOT OF BULLSHIT. I have always had a tendency to let people walk all over me, to laugh off things that they say that actually hurt me. I've become a master at hiding the overly sensitive and detrimentally empathetic part of myself that feels every feeling with the intensity of a thousand suns, only to come across as hard and cold and cynical. I did that to myself. Its no one else's fault. I created that coping mechanism, and I have never said it's the healthiest thing to do, nor has it always worked. Some see right through the facade, to the person that I really am. Some don't bother to look at all and move on. Some are so used to it that they accept it, and me, and love me anyways. It's the latter that literally gets me through most of my days. For those people I am loyal, fiercely protective, love with every fiber of my being, and appreciate more than words could ever really describe, and even with all of that...sometimes I'm still an asshole.
So there you have it. I confess. I'm not perfect, but I am trying to be better, do better and to get rid some of these heavy rocks in my pockets so the I can learn to float and feel free. I won't accept "this is the best I can do" from myself. I know that I can do better. But I am not here to offer an apology for who I am or what I have been through. This is not an admission of self loathing, in fact, it's the opposite. This is an acknowledgment of things that I do or have done that I want to change and that have made great efforts to see beyond and try to move forward with patience and self-love.. I am not a bad person, I am a NORMAL person. I am not a package that is damaged beyond repair, but one that is constantly trying to evolve and grow. I am a flawed woman with kindness and caring to share. There are a lot of things about me that I have learned to embrace and you should too: I'm a bad dancer, I only wear black, I barely ever brush my hair, I cry at animal videos on Facebook, I drive like an old woman, I am terrible at math and I overcook the rice eight times out of ten...I AM NOT PERFECT NOR DO I ASPIRE TO BE SOME VERSION OF THAT. I am who I am and I am worthy of love, acceptance, understanding and value. So, now that I have said all of this I can feel confident in moving forward... Cue MJ's Man In The Mirror.