Funny Observations From My Life As A Single Mom: 12 Types of Guys To Avoid While Dating

Consider this list a guide to the types of dudes you’ll encounter if you’re trying to date as a single mother.

Disclaimer: I speak from experience on all of these, but I am no expert…I am sure there are more types of assholes out there. I am also sure that there are some really wonderful guys out there with lots of amazing qualities to offer. They’re just not dating right now because they’re busy compiling a list of awful women.

  1. Broke Guy: This is the guy who still owes your ass some money because he needed gas or some bullshit. He is also known as “lemme borrow forty-dollars just to get by ‘til I get paid” guy. He never gets paid and if he does he sure as fuck ain’t paying you back any time soon. This is also the guy the never pulls out his credit card to run the bar tab or offers to pay for dinner. Your wallet will thank you for not dating this guy. After the first time he’s late getting his money right you need to ghost him with the quickness. Trust me.

  2. Emotional Basket Case Guy: This is the guy that always has something dramatic and negative going on in his life. The car breaks down, his boss is a dick, or any combination of sad-sack-of-shit excuses he comes up with to just be a completely negative bitch about life and he decides to unload all of this onto you, as if you don’t have enough of your own stuff going on. Girl, hard pass on this douche. The first sign of constant drama and you need to send this fish back into the sea. Trust me.

  3. Captain Eggplant: This is the guy that seems cool, but is instantly a little too flirty, resulting in him sending you a series of unsolicited dick-pics while you're trying to run errands, clean or just generally live a non-penis-bombarded life. Note to self, fellas: Dicks are not photogenic.

  4. Emotionally Unavailable Guy: I actually don’t mind this guy because I get him. It sucks to be burned and we’re all out here trying to find a good partner. Its super helpful if this dude is up-front about his issues. Sometimes they are not. Trust me.

  5. DUI Guy: This is the guy who cannot pick you up for a date or has to Uber everywhere because his car will only start with one of those breathalyzer thingies. He only suggests dates to bars and sometimes even just shows up wasted for a date. Run fast in the other direction, ladies. Trust me.

  6. Mr. Mindfuck: This piece-of-shit is the guy who you could fall for real fast. He says all the right things, the dates are great, the relationship is wonderful…until he starts to get insecure about himself and “loves you, but cannot commit to something serious.” If he L-Bombs you within the first month or two you need to think about that for a moment. Is that “normal”? Or is he getting his hooks into you before you’re both ready for that? Naturally, if break up with this guy he will keep coming back, but only when you’ve moved on or he can cosmically sense that you’re doing really well without him in your life. You’ll have to block him on all forms of social media, stop hanging out at your favorite places and ignore your shared friends. He will take any chance he can get to reconnect after some time away from you to mess with your head. This is the worst kind of guy. Trust me.

  7. Master Ghoster: This is the guy you talk to for a while that falls off of the face of the earth. Take that as a good thing and move on. Trust me.

  8. Cheater McLiarson: Master manipulator and a world class liar, this guy can hide cheating and lying for ages. Eventually we all get the feeling that this guy’s stories aren’t adding up and it turns you into the worst version of yourself…a raging, jealous lunatic. Best thing to do with this guy is to call him out, quit his sorry ass and never return…because Grandma always said that people don’t change, and she was right. Trust me.

  9. Can’t Decide Guy: This is the guy that can’t decide if he wants a hook-up, a friendship, or a relationship. We are all adults here. Having a “friend with benefits” is totally OK. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a serious relationship, but enjoying a physical one. The problem arises when you are solid in your footing but this guy can’t make up his mind. If he can’t decide now, he never will. Don’t stay in stuck in the in-between because neither party want their feelings hurt. Trust me.

  10. Mr. Easily Intimidated: This is the guy that you go on a date with and he is way too easily intimidated by your beauty, intelligence, confidence, sex appeal, or whatever, so he decides that he’s not right for you because he’s none of those things. No amount of constant reassuring, ego-massaging, confidence-boosting and convincing can make this work. He will always feel insecure and jealous on some level. Trust me.

  11. Mr. Overly Confident: This is the guy that just posts gym selfies, chooses his nipples as his profile pic and cannot, for some reason, date an “ugly/fat chick.” This guy ends up alone and miserable. Trust me.

  12. Master of Disguise: This guy has no real identity. He morphs into whatever he needs to be at the time. Adaptable is great, but this guy isn’t sure who he REALLY is and for that reason I say just run the other way. He is confused in life and will be confused in love. Trust me.

Warning: In many occasions there will be combinations of these men. For Example: Broke/MindFuck Guy who starts out cool but ends up draining your energy and your wallet. All I can say is not to settle. You and I both deserve nothing but the best and if you’re not happy with yourself NO amount of male attention will cure that feeling. With that said, I am still very single and learning to navigate the shark infested waters, but I still have hope that one day one dude will be Mr. Decent Guy and all will end up well.