1. My own mother raised two kids in the 80's without preschool, nannies, iPads, or the like and still managed to look put together, go to jazzercise and run the house like a well oiled machine. I, myself, haven't shaved my legs in three weeks, barely brush my hair, and I'm pretty sure the dishes in the dishwasher have been there waiting to be unloaded for longer than I would like to publicly admit... and lets not even talk about the laundry.
2. If you feel the need to purchase a gift for Mother's Day please make it useful. I suggest noise canceling headphones or booze.
3. Breakfast in bed is great in theory, but as a single mother I would just like to be able to eat some damn breakfast while sitting down at an actual table instead of standing over the kitchen sink and consuming whatever is left over from kiddos breakfast like some sort of scavenging wild animal.
4. Who knew at any point in your life that you would prefer a gift made at preschool out of macaroni or popsicle sticks over diamonds and roses? Or that these little loosely constructed trash heaps would bring you to tears?
5. On Mother's Day I am reminded that I don't know shit and that my own mother is a literal walking goddess that amazes me at her ability to get my own child to eat, wear or do just about anything. Respect.
6. There should be a universal understanding that Moms shouldn't have to wear bras on Mother's Day. Shouldn't our boobs get a day off, too?
7. Why don't we have Mother's Weekend? Can we make that a thing? One Sunday out of the whole year doesn't make any sense. We still have to pack the school lunch, get the homework done, make sure the school clothes are clean and battle with the kids to get into bed at the right time for school on Monday morning? Seems like some conspiracy theory type shit to me.
8. Nothing is more gratifying than being with one's well-behaved, considerate, vegetable-eating, nice-clothes-wearing, helpful, non-whining and mess-free children...but since we live in reality, maybe a few hours alone on a beach with a drink and a book would be a better way to spend the day.
9. This should be the one day of the year the you don't have to repeat the words "brush your teeth" or "I asked you to put your shoes on" or "please don't do that" four million times. Can someone else handle that shit for the day?
10. Target should have private events for all moms on Mother's Day with free Starbucks macchiatos and babysitting so that we can walk around looking at clothes, makeup and kitchen gadgets for hours without being ordered to buy a new toy or having a tiny human have a public mental break down because they can't have the Pop-Tarts they "need."
11. Moms want peace and quiet on Mother's Day. The kind of eerie peace and quiet that would otherwise make one think the zombie apocalypse happened while she was napping on the couch.
12. Father's Day is directly gaged off of the dopeness of Mother's Day. Just remember that.
13. I find myself texting all the dudes in my life to remind them all about Mother's Day and every response is "When is that again?"
14. It's a scientific fact that all food is calorie-free, carb-free, and fat-free on Mother's Day.
15. If you're going to feed the mother you better clean up the mess too, and do a little dance with a smile on your face while you're at it. Make it entertaining.
Happy Mother's Day, Mommas. I don't care if you birthed a baby, adopted one, are helping to raise one, or just love your own Mom. This day is about the respect and recognition of all the hard work and commitment we put in to improving the lives of our children. Keep kicking ass!