To My Dearest Heart,
It's been far too long since we have communicated. Please allow me this opportunity to say all of the things I have been wanting to say in an effort to repair our relationship and move forward. First, let me apologize. I have damaged you beyond repair. When I was young, I gave you freely to anyone who made you skip a beat. While, at the time I thought that was a good thing, I now realize that you needed to be handled with care. I gave you to those who would abuse you, hurt you, kick you around like a hacky-sack, and then hand you back to me all battered and bruised, only to do it all over again with the next one. When you had finally had enough, I walled you off. I froze you in carbonite and hung you on the wall and didn't let anyone in. The only room you had was for my son and you filled yourself with that love and care and thought that was the only thing you ever needed. It was a good thought, in theory. We both know that's not reality, but we tried, right? You became hardened and tough, sarcastic and jaded about love and life and how you deserved to be treated. Huge pieces of you were missing and I let you fill those voids with darkness and carbs. I let you be incomplete, for fear that you wouldn't be able to handle any more. But I was wrong. I'm older now, and I realize that you can handle warmth and love, care and you can be whole again. And when I felt that readiness, I did it to you again. I let you be free and wild and uninhibited. I unfroze you from the carbonite and you were blinded. You stumbled. You made reactionary, survivalist, and animalistic choices to not only reach out to another heart and hold it close but to feel yourself come back to life. To pump and to sing and to bask in happiness. My mistake was handing you off without boundaries. Like a teenager on spring break all drunk with emotions and sloppily letting you swallow whatever emotional concoction that came your way. Just like that, you were back in the same dark space, all bitter and angry. It's not your fault. I should have been better with you. More patient and kind, more forgiving of your innate need to love and to be loved, and more conscious of your fragility.
Now, I know you need your time to recover. And I know you need your space and healing, but I don't want you to retreat into the depths of loneliness and solitude, yet again. You will learn to function, you will learn to be whole, however that manifests itself. This time I promise I will protect you, but let you make some decisions...with supervision. I will allow you to my co-pilot and have some input on our reactions to life, but you can't drive this train solo anymore. You're needed elsewhere. My son needs you to be unburdened and open to receiving all the love he is putting out to you. My friends need you to be available to share with them and not shut down. My family needs you to be present and aware. The right one, whoever that is and wherever they are, need you to be ready and willing to put aside the past and move forward.
So it is with great appreciation and gratitude to you, my heart, that I say today that you are my priority. I will make you, instead of them, the one I care for first and foremost. I will be proud of your scars, and that fact that you healed. I will be mindful of your empty spaces and remember that they don't have to be filled right away, or with any old thing that comes along. I will remember that the ones that handle you with care and concern deserve for you to be open and loving, not hateful and reactionary. Those are learned responses to the damage that I have done, everyone else you can forgive. I will continue to repent and apologize to you until you can see past the stupidity of my carelessness. You will be OK. Ill keep telling you that everyday until you feel it. I'm not looking for anything more than OK, because thats too tall of an order for you...and I get that. You're beautiful, important, give so much to others with no agenda or ulterior motives, and you never ask for anything in return.
I can't wait for the moment that you feel whole again, feel loved and cared for, feel free to soar and sing again, but until then just know...I've got your back.
The rest of me