1. Since having a child I find is more and more difficult to have a conversation that doesn't involve at least one Disney movie quote, my birth story, school lunches, or poop. All subjects the general public frowns upon during an adult social setting, apparently.
2. Talking to some of the other parents at school can sometimes feel like I swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter and it gets stuck in the place in your throat that makes you feel like you're having a massive heart attack...you know what I'm talking about. You know its going to end, but for the mean time it SUCKS and feels like impending death.
3. Socializing without your kid around can go one of two ways: single vodka or double. Just depends on how much communication with the outside world you've been getting lately.
4. My face will turn 6 shades of red before any conversation is completed. Fact.
5. When you forget to put your sunglasses down to make all the crazy eye rolls and facial expressions... and you get caught. (smacks forehead)
6. When you yell "Seatbelts!" in your Uber or when a non-child-having friend is driving, you know your social skills have erroded to a practically unrecognizable level of uselessness.
7. Someone once told me not to wear all black so that people would be more open to approaching me...now everything I own is black.
8. After a night of people-ing I get an interaction hangover that is only cured by isolation, Netflix, and online shopping.
9. If I and showing up to a social event it's in the "I put a bra on for this" category. Thats pretty important so recognize.
10. I think its probably the nicest thing that you can do for me is if we run into each other at Target, just pretend you don't see me. It's my happy place. Let's not ruin it by interacting.
11. Socially awkward people aren't snobs, we're just silently trying NOT to say the approximately one million weird comments rushing through our head while you're talking about whatever it is that you're talking about.
12. When introverts do end up talking during a social moment you look at us like we Kanye'd all over your Taylor Swift moment...
13. I am awful at playdates. One exchange went as follows:
Other Mom: Your son is so cute
Me: Thank you, I don't know where he gets it...Probably from the milk man.
14. If you didn't fit in during your middle school/ high school years, had weird hair, dressed like Ducky, didn't sit at the cool table, had 3 friends and they were way nerdier than you and you were cool with that or any variation of unpopularity at any point... you can sit by me me and we can stare at our phones in silence and feel good about that.
15. My son got stage fright at a school performance once and I had to sit on stage with him and I was all like: