1. I am just so thrilled to cook an entire Thanksgiving feast that my son won't even think about eating. (Do I sound sarcastic, or is that just how I talk now?)
2. Dear school, Please don't make my kid dress in culturally appropriated construction paper costumes.
3. The REAL reason we make everyone eat at two o'clock in the afternoon is so that we can make sure everyone is asleep by 3 o'clock and we can be drinking wine by 3:15.
4. I've given up on elaborate tablescapes and traditional Cornucopia decor for Thanksgiving because the house has been decked out in Christmas crap since the kid took of his Halloween costume.
5. I am not excited to have to explain what a "giblet" is for the one millionth time this year. Yes it's gross, and no I don't know why we cook with it. Don't. Ask. Questions.
6. Acceptable TV choices for Thanksgiving: The Parade, Addams Family Values, and Christmas Vacation. Unacceptable TV choices: Football...y'all need to go home and watch that shit on your own damn TV.
7. Why do we even try to dress up for Thanksgiving meals when all that will fit after 3 hours of stuffing faces is sweatpants?
8. Confession: I hate pumpkin pie...doesn't mean I'm not going to eat 3 pieces...
9. I am going Instagram every fucking thing I cook on Thanksgiving as proof that I can throw down in the kitchen.
10. The dishes shall be done by the first asshole to mention politics at the dinner table.
11. This is the one holiday you can eat your feelings and no one will notice, so go for it!
12. My Thanksgiving goal is to turn my blood type to "GRAVY"...
13. Most days we try to get our kids to eat normal vegetables. On Thanksgiving we try to get them to eat it in casserole form, like they don't recognize the green bean under all the crap thats on top of it.
14. Best way to piss off your holiday host is to fall asleep before they've even had a chance to sit down to eat. Don't be that asshole.
15. When is a good time to stop eating? I say it's usually somewhere between "food coma brought on by a tryptophan overdose" and "bodily injury due to unregulated mashed potato consumption."
Truth Bomb: This year it is important for me to remind myself of how truly thankful I am for my health and the health of my son and our family. So many are not as fortunate and it weighs on my soul. It is not lost on me that we have to ability to enjoy all of life's blessing without struggle and pain. Our table will be full. Our loved ones are present. We will be surrounded in love and bounty, but so many will not be. The greatest lesson this season is to give with no expectation of receiving and to love with an open heart and a willingness to share with others. Please consider the less fortunate this season and remember to carry that feeling throughout the year.