1. Halloween has become about discussing Halloween and everything Halloween related all day everyday for 3 months, only to have your kid see an early Christmas display at Target and now he gives ZERO F*&%s about any of your costume or decorating efforts.
2. Who else thinks that Halloween should only be celebrated on the weekends? This mid-week BS is the stuff of parenting nightmares.
3. If you want any kind of adult "school-classroom-appropriate" costume you should break out the old sewing machine and throw something together on your own...unless you think "sexy corn" or "sexy shoehorn" or "sexy random kitchen utensil" is welcome at the preschool Fall Festival, because that's all that is for sale at the Halloween stores.
4. Speaking of Halloween stores, we took my soon-to-be-five-year-old son to one to pick out a costume. He freaked out, had a mini-panic attack, and wouldn't let go of his Dad. We literally bought the first two decent costumes we saw and had to book it out of there before we did any kind of major psychological damage. (I need to stop watching Mindhunter on Netflix...)
5. We happen to live in the Sunshine State, so trick or treating or anything fall related is more about managing an overheating kiddo, my boob sweat and making sure everyone is chafe-free and doesn't end up with heat rashes and dehydration.
6. We have 5 costumes because he will either make a last minute final decision or just throw together some homage to Cybil and be 5 personalities at once, which sounds more fun than the typical Ghost or Paw Patrol character to me.
7. Halloween candy...every mom's winter-weight nightmare. I say give it to Dad. I hear 'Dad-bod" is actually a "thing" now.
8. Pumpkin flavored everything is gross. Fact. Stop it.
9. Question: How the F am I supposed to get my kid to school after a solid 24 hours of him operating on adrenaline, sugar, and the sheer willpower to keep up with the bigger kids on the trick or treating route? I feel like he will be going to school with a Halloween Hangover...and we know how awesome those can be if you've ever tried to go to work the day after drinking way too much dressed as "sexy corn."
10. The most annoying thing about Halloween? Trying to figure out if I need to dress and act a little LESS like Morticia Addams for this one day a year.
11. Candy corn is made of what, exactly?
12. How many kids will be dressed as a Poop Emoji and do we find this cute or just weird? I mean...the kid decided to dress as feces.
13. You know what's really fun? Cleaning up the gelatinous remains of what once resembled a carved pumpkin. Ew.
14. I lost count on how many times I've threatened to "cancel Halloween" due to bad behavior.
15. How to traumatize a person with anxiety: dress your child in a costume that blends with all the other kids costume, let him lose on the streets, around strangers and with plastic weapons...and do all of this in the dark.
16. Is it me or is there always at least one asshole kid in the group?
17. Is it me or is there always one drunk AF parent in the group?
18. You can always tell the houses that ate all of the "good candy" by the look of guilt on their faces and the hurried manner in which they threw in some loose Certs and cough drop into your kid's bucket.
19. The trick or treat route is only as long as the length of time it takes the lead parent empty their giant Yeti cup of adult beverage.
20. Is Tired AF a costume? 'Cause I got that look on lock.