1. 2016 has successfully killed off all of my childhood heroes. Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), Debbie Reynolds, Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson), Patty Duke, George Michael, Abe Vagoda, Doris Roberts, Gene Wilder, Gary Shandling, Muhammad Ali, The Half-Blood Prince (Alan Rickman), Lemmy and Vanity..so somebody better keep an eye on Betty White, Mark Hamill, Madonna, and Harrison Ford damnit...or I will spiral into a stress-eating depression like never before. 2. I feel like the biggest accomplishment this year is that my now fully potty trained kid no longer pisses all over me while co-sleeping in the family bed. The dog is happy about that too.
3. This year brought us a lot of attitude changes. Example: "Darth, Don't be a dick..." is often heard coming from the playroom.
4. Upon switching school this school year it has become apparent to me that all preschools struggle with the same problems: some parents are assholes, we say "no" to pretty much all birthday parties, and all kids share their bad habits with one another (i,e. My son's new-found bullshit attitude toward pretty much everything at the most inconvenient times.)
5. You know you're a parent of a small child when NYE plans consist of DVRing the ball-dropping and hoping you all fall asleep by 9pm.
6. New pajamas are the most exciting wardrobe additions of 2016.
7. I haven't seen Rogue One yet because I feel guilty that I can't take my kid.
8. Over the last year I have logged countless hours of sweat therapy either running or lift weights so that I can eat like a 4-year-old whenever the F I want!
9. During the holidays we can all use Santa as a way to get our kids to behave...but as soon as Christmas is over they act like they've never heard of his fat ass before and carry on acting like complete crazed animals.
10. One of these days I will actually read the September issue of my favorite magazine.
11. Watching my son play his first organized sport this year reminded me less of Olympic dream filled memories of other parent's childhood and more like the failures of my own childhood athletic career:
12. Not sure what's remember the day that your kid wiped his own ass and you were legit soooo proud...yeah, me neither.
13. When your 4 year old tells your conservative family member "Donald Trump is a bad guy" with no coaching from you and you're just relieved his didn't call him a "dick."
14. 75% of my year was spent telling my kid to "put some pants on..."
15. I would consider myself an expert at terrifying my son into behaving better. Example: Don't play with that...it's glass and if it broke your guts and blood would spill everywhere and you would have to go to the hospital. (The look on his face is always priceless.)
16. The package always says "bakes 12 chocolate chips cookies" but you only bake 6 because you ate half of the cookie dough.
17. School break is basically torture for your whole family...we should protest that shit in the streets.
18. The pastor gave my son a blessing at Christmas service...my son asked me if that meant he was good enough to leave early.
19. When planning any outing one must anticipate the following: No Restroom automatically means your child will have to poop. No food automatically means your child will act like a starving hyena.
20. The best part about starting a new year is knowing that you survived the last one...