1. Thanks to Daylight Saving Time every parent I know is legitimately cursing our children's circadian rhythms and biological responses to light and dark throughout our country...at least that's the most unified message I've seen in a long time. 2. We wasted not ONE but TWO rolls of toilet paper this week because B decided to urinate directly ON TO the ENTIRE ROLL. What in the actual F%&$? How? And more importantly, WHY? He had no response to those questions.
3. There is no longer a transition from fall to winter. Christmas showed up right after Labor Day. The other day my son wanted to wear a Santa hat in a swimming pool.
4. My son calls the Care Bear with the rainbow on its tummy "Pride Bear." I don't correct him. I think it's cute.
5. Children balance life on a sliding scale from sweet, sleeping kitten to Negan...
6. I am not sure what the hell people are talking about when they say "terrible twos"...ages three and four are the worst. I feel like I'm living with a tiny used car salesman with menopausal mood swings.
7. It's totally OK to look back on your day and feel accomplished if your child had three kinds of snack foods and a smoothie as a "balanced dinner" and went to bed without a bath or shower, but was throughly wiped down with a baby wipe in all the right places...
8. Pick your battles: arguing with a three-year-old is better than discussing politics at this point in time.
9. Parenting Tip: If your newly potty trained children say they wiped their own butt...don't believe them and do it again anyways...trust me. Your couch will thank you.
10. The last time my car was clean or didn't smell weird was the day I drove it off the lot.
11. I daydream of someone rushing up to my door step and proclaiming "It's Treat Yo Self Day!"...That NEVER happens.
12. It is very difficult to say no with a straight face when your almost four-year-old suggests dressing like a turkey and telling people "EAT ME" for Thanksgiving.
13. My son is super into crafting lately...he brought me an unused tampon and asked if I could glue it to his "creation." Apparently everything can be used for art.
14. "No, you may not play outside until you have clothes on. The neighbors don't want to see your penis" is a sentence I say probably 4 times a day...everyday.
15. The only time its quiet at my house is when everyone is sleeping or when little man is taking a poop and watching Peppa Pig simultaneously.
16. Never trust that bath toys can't be rigged to create a fountain and spray water all over your bathroom.
17. I was legit excited when my son fell asleep and I could watch Finding Dory in peace.
18. One would think that I would go out and enjoy myself when kiddo goes to Dad's house. The first thing I do when I have alone time is some sort of beautification ritual...cause, you know, gotta look good before I fall asleep on the couch watching Westworld and eating ice cream.
19. Nothing says love like taking a punch to the boob or a kick to the crotch and not overreacting or killing someone.
20. After waking my son up from his nap and walking him out of the school the other day he proclaimed with pride "my penis is all big" in front of a room full of school administrators. Everyone looked like a deer in headlights, including me.