I would say nothing drives me more bat-shit crazy than a few of my son's favorite toys. Seriously, who ever invented some of this crap needs a slap. With Christmas fast approaching, my little guy is looking forward to receiving plenty of gifts from the big man in red. I, on the other hand, am dreading it…oh, and conveniently we have a birthday right after. Double to crap, double the pain in my ass. Look, it's not like we don't or won't buy or kids annoying shit. It's just that we have to deal with them and we all deserve the rant. So heres my list of "pain in my ass toys of 2015."
- Play doh. What sick bastard thought that this was fun for anyone but a toddler? It gets everywhere. You have to tell everyone (including the dog) to not eat the damn stuff. You will never have a nice area rug ever again if you imbibe in the play doh, just a fair warning.
- Legos…no surprise here. We've all stepped on one and screamed a few curse words that may or may not be the reason your toddler says the "F" word in public to this day.
- The Fart Blaster. Good gravy, this thing has pushed me almost to my limits. There isn't anything more annoying than waking up to a toddler fart blasting you in the face with this very annoying gun-like toy that makes me want to run for the hills screaming and pulling my hair out.
- Anything with glitter on it. Ugh, really? Like I need more shit to clean up, now we've added sparkle to the mix? Thanks.
- Anything that requires a PhD in Engineering for me to A) remove from the box or B) assemble. Real talk: I'm too tired for that shit and my kid wants the damn toy, so why do they make it all so difficult to play with?
So do us a favor and don't buy us this stuff, OK? If you promise not to we will invite you over for birthday parties and pool parties and not complain when you eat all of our food or drink all of our wine. Even better, we won't buy these for your kids.